TableLeg Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 @Andy_R I really don't know what else to say but you are clearly an incredible person!!! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jude - The Mad Widow Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 10 hours ago, Andy_R said: And despite all of this I'm struggling! Good morning Andy, I read this in the early hours of this morning when I was feeling pretty naff myself. You certainly have plenty on your plate is an understatement. The world is a better place with men like you in it and there are not enough words in my little brain to describe how awesome you are and the difference you are making to the lives of others. All I can say is, you REALLY need to look after and care for yourself - there is a lot depending on that! Having my own issues right now. Launched on a relationship after 4 years of recovering and learning to be alone, thinking for myself, do everything for myself blah blah… its already been a challenging situation and now I am thinking its not right for me. Still, this is a mental health thread not a Dear Marge! Maybe I will start one of those, I have always believed I would be a good relationship counsellor … Hey this weather isn't helping is it... Big hugs - keep being you @Andy_R 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeff oakley Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 Andy R, all I can say is if ever I meet you let me buy you and your wife a drink. I have friends who have adopted kids with no issues and the pressure they have is huge so I cannot begin to imagine what you two are going through. As I have said before I suffered with depression and one of the things my specialist said was that it is the people like you and I who are high achievers (although I pale into insignificance against you) in our lives that never see the pressure creeping up on us until it is too late. As Jude says you need to look after yourself and also your marriage as it can be easy to stop caring for yourself when you are absorbed in everything else. Is there any way that you might get some help with some respite care for the children so you can recharge your batteries? I would have thought that the social services might have some way of helping you if you ask. Just a final observation, even though you feel the way you do, you are offering to help others who may feel worse than you, which is amazing and is probably why you are the person you are but do you really need to put more on yourself at this moment in time? If ever you wish to email me feel free, do not have all the answers but will try to help if I can 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Barlow - Show and Events Co-ordinator Posted February 16, 2020 Share Posted February 16, 2020 20 hours ago, Andy_R said: Luckily those around me don't tell me to "man up" (except the Yorkshire WSCC Group but they do it in the right way 😉) Humbled reading more about Josh and Evie @Andy_R and yes us Yorkshire WSCC members are here to help in our own unique way 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Kinder (Bagpuss) - Joint Peak District AO Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 @Andy_R what an amazing human being you are It's an honour and a privilege to have met you. Even better that you're a member of this club too! As mentioned above, you're not indestructible, so reach out and take whatever you need from the good folk on here too! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy_R Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 Thank you to everyone who read and replied to my post. I'm actually humbled by how many people care! I'll reply in more depth later but it's just proven to me again how great a club the WSCC is! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdamR Posted February 17, 2020 Author Share Posted February 17, 2020 That's quite a read, Andy. As has been said, just the fact you have taken on such a challenge in order to try and improve the lives of your two kids speaks wonders. Serious man kudos heading your way 👍 It's absolutely no wonder you struggle from time to time. My partner and I have this discussion every now and again to try and ground ourselves - we stop and think of what a 'normal' / average (appreciate that is a broad term but bear with me...) member of society deals with in a day. Then consider what you put yourself through every day. Simply having to make a large number of decisions in the best interests of another vulnerable human within your care takes a hell of a lot out of you! I am completely unaware of the setup of any support structure for heroes like yourself, but I hope there is something available. Hope to meet you at an event sometime (I'm just across the border in the better county 😉) and buy you a beer! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GaryD1971 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Having read through this amazing thread a couple of times now, I've come to realise that speaking out is the first step, and also the hardest step. I'm always a little bit behind at catching on to things and this is no exception. We, as a family, have not had a great time this last 9 months as my Father in law passed away very suddenly at the end of last May when he was seemingly in very good health. It hit us hard, but my Mother in law and my wife both had a really hard time. The in - laws had been married 49 years and despite all the common jokes, I got on really well with them both and we are very close. From the very first time that i met them, they made me feel really welcome and part of their family. My wife was an absolute rock to her mum, and she needed to be. Without her, I firmly believe that my Mother in law would have fallen to pieces completely. What i did notice was the effect it had on my wife, trying to be strong for her mum when she had just lost her dad. She didn't really take any time for herself to grieve and this was really hard on her mentally. I was there to support her as and when required, but mostly she tried to cope on her own. We got through this rough time together eventually, but I think what I'm trying to say is that without opening up your feelings to someone willing to listen, the road to recovery will be that much harder, and I guess that's what I'm doing now. I was there for my wife but I felt that no-one was there for me. I was offered support from my workplace if it was needed, but I didn't even think of accepting it. Why? I don't know. Maybe I believed that if I accepted help and support that it would make me seem more vulnerable to my family when they were looking to me to be the strong one. I now realise, of course, that this is not the case. As I said earlier, It's been a tough 9 months and we've seen it through. What I have been through is nothing compared to what others have experienced, but with the current attitudes towards mental health and wellbeing hopefully we can all start to talk about our feelings more. Great thread @AdamR. @AndyR although we have never met, you are an inspiration. Your children are very lucky to have you in their lives. Thanks for reading. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jude - The Mad Widow Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 @GaryD1971 The kindness and support we can get from others is incredibly therapeutic. We are all too reluctant to expose our underbelly. I am glad you have. After my husband was killed I started a Facebook group, Mad Widows and Widowers with Motor Homes. Nearly 500 people there now. A place to laugh and cry, share, ask... Reminisce. There is strength in numbers. Similar is happening here... I hope you know that everyone who reads your story will be wishing you well. Maybe we should have a special badge so we can recognise each other in a crowd. Group hugs! #secretsociety :0) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GaryD1971 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 #secretsociety! I really like that! Thanks @Jude - The Mad Widow. We have guided the Mother in law towards various groups recently, but the one that's been the most help is the small group of friends she has reconnected with who take part in regular quiz nights on the local scene. With their winnings they book a meal out in a nice restaurant together. There's only 4 or 5 of them, but that's enough for company and chat. I really admire how pro-active you have been in helping other people through your FB group. That takes a lot of strength and courage to put yourself out there following such a horrific loss. You are much stronger than you realise. Now that the weather should hopefully be on the mend, my therapy sessions will be back in the garage with a certain yellow little number that is craving some attention. I have neglected the build for some time and have only recently started back at it again, hence my return to the Tech info pages recently. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 I I've dabbled a tiny bit with some of the Black Dog groups online; never had the courage to either do it in person, or wear one of the badges. (Black Dog (it's not specific to one organisation) represents a big group of those that in and around other issues, suffer from depression.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GaryD1971 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 I have heard of, and seen some of, the black dog videos online through my work. This was a while ago and I'd forgotten about it until you just mentioned it Dave. Nice one. 👍 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GaryD1971 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 @Jude - The Mad Widow what happened to your post? I hope I didn't delete it! I've just had a major tantrum from my Kindle fire tablet whilst I was relying to your post. When I came back on line, my reply had been posted, but your post has gone! So now my reply doesn't really make sense... 😂 I can only apologise if I somehow inadvertently deleted or hid it.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 1 hour ago, GaryD1971 said: My wife was an absolute rock to her mum, and she needed to be. Without her, I firmly believe that my Mother in law would have fallen to pieces completely. What i did notice was the effect it had on my wife, trying to be strong for her mum when she had just lost her dad. She didn't really take any time for herself to grieve and this was really hard on her mentally From personal, and observed experiance of this, one of the real problems, is that as much as you appear to grieve at the time, whilst supporting others, or maybe you're the one stuck with having to sort all the official and unofficial stuff out after someone close has died, you find yourself somehow out of sync. Being busy with that one aspect of the loss has sort of kept you going, but at some stage, often many months later, you reach the end of it and suddenly have time for yourself again, and then it hits like a tone of bricks. All the missed and suppressed because you were busy with others slams into you in a devastating blow. And to make it worse, because you've been the rock etc. And it's now months later, others have already moved on to the further stages of grieving and just aren't aware of where you are suddenly at and don't really know what to do, even if they do realise what's happening. It can be shattering on a mental level, and I mean literally, feeling like you're head and emotions are suddenly blown into a million pieces, but everyone else is through that, which can be terribly isolating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jude - The Mad Widow Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 19 minutes ago, GaryD1971 said: @Jude - The Mad Widow what happened to your post? I hope I didn't delete it! I've just had a major tantrum from my Kindle fire tablet whilst I was relying to your post. When I came back on line, my reply had been posted, but your post has gone! So now my reply doesn't really make sense... 😂 I hid it sorry, it was self-indulgent. I deemed it inappropriate! You deserved better ;o) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.