The Dreadful Puns Thread (An Occasional Series)

[Man On The Clapham Omnibus]

2 hours ago, GaryD1971 said:

Oh sweet cheeses, please stop! 

"Blessed are the cheesemakers", "the Greeks shall inherit the earth" All according to Monty Python!

[Captain Colonial]

The Egyptian government has ordered that all the taxi drivers in Cairo must sound their car horns continuously as they drive.

 

It’s hoped that the return of familiar urban noises will help the city’s residents feel more comfortable and at ease during these trying pandemic times.

 

This order begins tomorrow and lasts for one week.  The government has named the order Operation Toot ‘N Calm ‘Em

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

Somewhere there's a Christmas Cracker joke writer, spinning slowly in his grave!!

[Blatman]

10 minutes ago, Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Secretary said:

Somewhere there's a Christmas Cracker joke writer, spinning slowly in his grave!!

 

Somewhere on the internet there is a millennial thinking that this is a rich vein for new modern jokes and puns that will allow him to disrupt the traditionall christmas cracker joke market with this new paradigm...

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

Surely a true Millennial would spontaneously combust, just reading a thread by the Captain?  

[Ian Kinder (Bagpuss) - Joint Peak District AO]

2 minutes ago, Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Secretary said:

Surely a true Millennial would spontaneously combust, just reading a thread by the Captain?  

Or they'd be too busy trying to work out who to complain to as they were offended by his username!

[Captain Colonial]

1 hour ago, Ian Kinder (Bagpuss) - Joint Peak District AO said:

Or they'd be too busy trying to work out who to complain to as they were offended by his username!

Already covered in the About Me section of my profile as follows:

 

“DISCLAIMER: Terms and conditions apply. Simply by opening my profile, you have entered into a legally binding contract which prevents you from complaining to anyone about me or anything I post in perpetuity. This disclaimer and my posts may contain information that is confidential, privileged, truthful or unsuitably funny for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational political and / or religious beliefs, or who are in general just a miserable git. You may not use any part or all of this disclaimer as the basis, in part or in total, for any disclaimer you might create for your own purposes. Your mileage may vary. Ask your pharmacist about any possible side effects before ingesting. Void where prohibited. Your house is at risk if you set fire to it. No hippos were harmed in the making of this disclaimer, although the gerbil next door is living on borrowed time if you ask me. Not to be taken internally. Ticket to ride this disclaimer only valid for time and date printed. Local taxes applied at point of purchase. The value of your investments may go down as well as plummet. Not available in the Republic of Ireland. Check engine fluid levels and tyre pressures on a weekly basis. Guaranteed sterile unless opened. Keep away from children - no, not this disclaimer - you. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the names of the guilty are very real. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Profile sold by weight, not volume. Disabled access available. Parental supervision advised. Many posts have sharp points. Not responsible for your inability to comprehend my comments. Comments may settle during thinking. Close cover before striking match. Fog ahead. No user-serviceable parts inside. Use only as directed. Warranty invalid absolutely everywhere forever. Whooshing sounds heard may be items of my genius going rapidly over your head. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. Beeping indicates this disclaimer is reversing - stand clear. Do not feed the animals. Dry clean only. Can be frozen for up to 12 months. Parking not permitted M-F between 8 AM and 10 PM. Avoid fatty and spicy foods. Do not eat after midnight. Not a toy. If the oxygen masks drop down from the overhead compartment at any point in this disclaimer, simply put it over your face and breath normally. Do drink and post. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have read this disclaimer in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Plagiarists will be prosecuted. In an emergency, if you rub two Boy Scouts together, you can either start a fire or put one out. Part of a balanced diet. May contain nuts. Wash your hands. Only available while supplies last. 94% of 273 people surveyed agreed. Hard shoulder is for emergency use only. Any dissemination, distribution or copying of this disclaimer is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Improved disclaimer performance claims based on comparisons with ordinary disclaimers. Mind the gap. Call your mother, she worries. One size fits all. I know what you did last summer. Colours may, in time, fade. For office use only. List was correct at time of typing. At participating locations only. Stand on the right when using escalator. Keep away from fire or flame unless you like burns. Drive on the left at all times. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitised for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Not flushable. Beware of the dogs. Sand between coats. Limited time offer. No purchase necessary. Microwave and dishwasher safe. Not recommended for children under 12. If fire alarm sounds, use stairs only, do not use lifts. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this disclaimer appear for identification purposes only. Freshest if read before date on packaging. Do not overinflate. Tested negative for the Coronavirus as of yesterday but today? It's anyone’s guess. Subject to change without notice. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks before panicking. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. For recreational use only. List each cheque separately by bank number. This is not an offer to sell securities. Not a floatation device. Read at your own risk. Ask your doctor. Risk of suffocation if elephant sits on your face. Always read the label. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not stamp. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Contains non-milk fat. Date as postmarked. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Read in well-ventilated area. Not for resale. Hand wash only. Keep away from sunlight. For a limited time only. No preservatives or additives. Bill posters will be prosecuted. Contracted laughter limited to 10k laughs per annum - laughs in excess of 10k will be charged at £0.02 per laugh plus VAT. Promotion ends when quantities of prizes are fully depleted. Safety goggles required during use. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Always wear seat belts. Not suitable for those with a humour allergy. Please remain seated until the disclaimer has come to a complete stop. Refrigerate after opening. Must be 18 years or older. Seat backs and tray tables must be in the upright position during reading of this disclaimer. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Do not look directly into light. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. No salt, MSG, artificial colouring or flavouring added. Avoid where prohibited by taste. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to these posts. You must be this tall to read this profile. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. May contain nuts. Objects on your screen may be closer than they appear. Do not use if safety seal is broken. Apply only to affected area. Do not read my posts if you have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid disease, asthma, glaucoma, or have difficulty in having the urination removed from you. May be too intense for some readers. In case of accidental ingestion, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately. Available in oral or suppository form. Many suitcases look alike. Post office will not deliver without postage. Limit 48 toilet paper rolls per customer. Not the Beatles. Posts are not authorized for use as critical components in life support devices or systems. Connection speeds are not guaranteed and can vary depending on website, weather, and server demand. Author does not carry cash. Do not puncture or incinerate disclaimer. Do not play your headset at high volume. Discontinue reading of these posts if any of the following occurs: itching, aching, vertigo, dizziness, ringing in your ears, vomiting, giddiness, aural or visual hallucinations, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, drowsiness, insomnia, profuse sweating, shivering, heart palpitations, stupidity, behaving like a childish jackass, carrying a grudge or death. Video+ and Video- are at ECL voltage levels, HSYNC and VSYNC are at TTL voltage levels. Jump starting voids warranty. Under no circumstances should you place hand inside crocodile’s open mouth while reading disclaimer. Spacers must be used during transport. This disclaimer is copyrighted. It is a violation of law to use this disclaimer in a manner inconsistent with its labelling. Not to be used as a jack. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling these posts can be harmful or fatal. Sunlight may make colours fade. Accessories sold separately. Caution should be used when farting due to build-up of fumes. Unless otherwise specified, do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Never read disclaimer while stroking an enraged mongoose. This disclaimer has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Do not use the AC adaptor provided with this post for other products. Warranty does not cover normal wear and tear, misuse, accident, lightning, flood, hail storm, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, avalanche, earthquake or tremor, hurricane, solar activity, meteorite strike, nearby supernova and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorised use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorised use, unauthorised repair, improper installation, typographical errors, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, microwave ovens or mobile phones, sonic boom vibrations, ionising radiation, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disk failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, riots or other civil unrest, acts of terrorism or war (whether declared or not), explosive devices or projectiles (which can include, but may not be limited to, arrows, crossbow bolts, air gun pellets, bullets, shot, cannon balls, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, ICBMs, or emissions of electromagnetic radiation such as radio waves, microwaves, infra-red radiation, visible light, UV, X-rays, alpha, beta and gamma rays, neutrons, neutrinos, positrons, N-rays, knives, stones, bricks, spit-wads, spears, javelins etc.). Other restrictions may apply. Breach of these conditions is likely to cause unquantifiable loss that may not be capable of remedy by the payment of damages. Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries - now go away unless you want to be taunted a second time

——————————————

This disclaimer supersedes all previous disclaimers.

Offended? Here is the email address to which to complain:

 

captaincolonialhasoffendedme@yourcomplaintwillneverbedelivered.co.uk
 

Please allow between a fortnight and a millennium for a response. If you don’t get one, you have been had.”

[Nemesis]

33 minutes ago, Captain Colonial said:

Already covered in the About Me section of my profile as follows:

 

“DISCLAIMER: Terms and conditions apply. Simply by opening my profile, you have entered into a legally binding contract which prevents you from complaining to anyone about me or anything I post in perpetuity. This disclaimer and my posts may contain information that is confidential, privileged, truthful or unsuitably funny for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational political and / or religious beliefs, or who are in general just a miserable git. You may not use any part or all of this disclaimer as the basis, in part or in total, for any disclaimer you might create for your own purposes. Your mileage may vary. Ask your pharmacist about any possible side effects before ingesting. Void where prohibited. Your house is at risk if you set fire to it. No hippos were harmed in the making of this disclaimer, although the gerbil next door is living on borrowed time if you ask me. Not to be taken internally. Ticket to ride this disclaimer only valid for time and date printed. Local taxes applied at point of purchase. The value of your investments may go down as well as plummet. Not available in the Republic of Ireland. Check engine fluid levels and tyre pressures on a weekly basis. Guaranteed sterile unless opened. Keep away from children - no, not this disclaimer - you. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the names of the guilty are very real. Some assembly required. Batteries not included. Profile sold by weight, not volume. Disabled access available. Parental supervision advised. Many posts have sharp points. Not responsible for your inability to comprehend my comments. Comments may settle during thinking. Close cover before striking match. Fog ahead. No user-serviceable parts inside. Use only as directed. Warranty invalid absolutely everywhere forever. Whooshing sounds heard may be items of my genius going rapidly over your head. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. Beeping indicates this disclaimer is reversing - stand clear. Do not feed the animals. Dry clean only. Can be frozen for up to 12 months. Parking not permitted M-F between 8 AM and 10 PM. Avoid fatty and spicy foods. Do not eat after midnight. Not a toy. If the oxygen masks drop down from the overhead compartment at any point in this disclaimer, simply put it over your face and breath normally. Do drink and post. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have read this disclaimer in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Plagiarists will be prosecuted. In an emergency, if you rub two Boy Scouts together, you can either start a fire or put one out. Part of a balanced diet. May contain nuts. Wash your hands. Only available while supplies last. 94% of 273 people surveyed agreed. Hard shoulder is for emergency use only. Any dissemination, distribution or copying of this disclaimer is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Improved disclaimer performance claims based on comparisons with ordinary disclaimers. Mind the gap. Call your mother, she worries. One size fits all. I know what you did last summer. Colours may, in time, fade. For office use only. List was correct at time of typing. At participating locations only. Stand on the right when using escalator. Keep away from fire or flame unless you like burns. Drive on the left at all times. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitised for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Not flushable. Beware of the dogs. Sand between coats. Limited time offer. No purchase necessary. Microwave and dishwasher safe. Not recommended for children under 12. If fire alarm sounds, use stairs only, do not use lifts. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this disclaimer appear for identification purposes only. Freshest if read before date on packaging. Do not overinflate. Tested negative for the Coronavirus as of yesterday but today? It's anyone’s guess. Subject to change without notice. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks before panicking. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. For recreational use only. List each cheque separately by bank number. This is not an offer to sell securities. Not a floatation device. Read at your own risk. Ask your doctor. Risk of suffocation if elephant sits on your face. Always read the label. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Do not stamp. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Contains non-milk fat. Date as postmarked. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Read in well-ventilated area. Not for resale. Hand wash only. Keep away from sunlight. For a limited time only. No preservatives or additives. Bill posters will be prosecuted. Contracted laughter limited to 10k laughs per annum - laughs in excess of 10k will be charged at £0.02 per laugh plus VAT. Promotion ends when quantities of prizes are fully depleted. Safety goggles required during use. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Always wear seat belts. Not suitable for those with a humour allergy. Please remain seated until the disclaimer has come to a complete stop. Refrigerate after opening. Must be 18 years or older. Seat backs and tray tables must be in the upright position during reading of this disclaimer. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Do not look directly into light. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. No salt, MSG, artificial colouring or flavouring added. Avoid where prohibited by taste. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to these posts. You must be this tall to read this profile. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. May contain nuts. Objects on your screen may be closer than they appear. Do not use if safety seal is broken. Apply only to affected area. Do not read my posts if you have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid disease, asthma, glaucoma, or have difficulty in having the urination removed from you. May be too intense for some readers. In case of accidental ingestion, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately. Available in oral or suppository form. Many suitcases look alike. Post office will not deliver without postage. Limit 48 toilet paper rolls per customer. Not the Beatles. Posts are not authorized for use as critical components in life support devices or systems. Connection speeds are not guaranteed and can vary depending on website, weather, and server demand. Author does not carry cash. Do not puncture or incinerate disclaimer. Do not play your headset at high volume. Discontinue reading of these posts if any of the following occurs: itching, aching, vertigo, dizziness, ringing in your ears, vomiting, giddiness, aural or visual hallucinations, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, drowsiness, insomnia, profuse sweating, shivering, heart palpitations, stupidity, behaving like a childish jackass, carrying a grudge or death. Video+ and Video- are at ECL voltage levels, HSYNC and VSYNC are at TTL voltage levels. Jump starting voids warranty. Under no circumstances should you place hand inside crocodile’s open mouth while reading disclaimer. Spacers must be used during transport. This disclaimer is copyrighted. It is a violation of law to use this disclaimer in a manner inconsistent with its labelling. Not to be used as a jack. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling these posts can be harmful or fatal. Sunlight may make colours fade. Accessories sold separately. Caution should be used when farting due to build-up of fumes. Unless otherwise specified, do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Never read disclaimer while stroking an enraged mongoose. This disclaimer has been shown to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Do not use the AC adaptor provided with this post for other products. Warranty does not cover normal wear and tear, misuse, accident, lightning, flood, hail storm, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, avalanche, earthquake or tremor, hurricane, solar activity, meteorite strike, nearby supernova and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorised use, incorrect line voltage, unauthorised use, unauthorised repair, improper installation, typographical errors, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, microwave ovens or mobile phones, sonic boom vibrations, ionising radiation, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disk failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, riots or other civil unrest, acts of terrorism or war (whether declared or not), explosive devices or projectiles (which can include, but may not be limited to, arrows, crossbow bolts, air gun pellets, bullets, shot, cannon balls, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, ICBMs, or emissions of electromagnetic radiation such as radio waves, microwaves, infra-red radiation, visible light, UV, X-rays, alpha, beta and gamma rays, neutrons, neutrinos, positrons, N-rays, knives, stones, bricks, spit-wads, spears, javelins etc.). Other restrictions may apply. Breach of these conditions is likely to cause unquantifiable loss that may not be capable of remedy by the payment of damages. Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries - now go away unless you want to be taunted a second time

——————————————

This disclaimer supersedes all previous disclaimers.

Offended? Here is the email address to which to complain:

 

captaincolonialhasoffendedme@yourcomplaintwillneverbedelivered.co.uk
 

Please allow between a fortnight and a millennium for a response. If you don’t get one, you have been had.”

I'm gonna get rich...... nowhere in there did it say I couldn't use the T's & C's as a flotation device and as a result I drowned my Canary..... stand by for the legal papers..... oh yeah and Merry Christmas, Nem.....

 

[Nemesis]

3 minutes ago, Nemesis said:

I'm gonna get rich...... nowhere in there did it say I couldn't use the T's & C's as a flotation device and as a result I drowned my Canary..... stand by for the legal papers..... oh yeah and Merry Christmas, Nem.....

 

But then again after reading more properlylisticly I found said item...... happy new year too.

 

[CraigHew]

The misses has just told me she’s leaving me because of my addiction to quizzes....

 

Is she:

A)Being Unreasonable

B)Being Unfair

C)Downright Miserable

[TAFKARM]

6 minutes ago, CraigHew said:

The misses has just told me she’s leaving me because of my addiction to quizzes....

 

Is she:

A)Being Unreasonable

B)Being Unfair

C)Downright Miserable

it’s been 7 hours and 15 days since mine left due to my Sinead O'Connor obsession. 

[MR.C]

Is this where you guys earn your bonuses?

[Blatman]

38 minutes ago, MR.C said:

Is this where you guys earn your bonuses?

 

If only...    

[CraigHew]

My next door neighbour said that he read on the internet that John Travolta had bought two gooses for Xmas dinner.

 

"That's the wrong tense" i said,

 

"Geese is the word"

[Captain Colonial]