The Mental Health Thread

[AdamR]

Wasn't sure where this should go... Stuff? Yeah I guess so. Nonsense? Not a bit of it!

 

Anyway, perhaps I'm a day late with this as Mental Health Awareness week was last week, but here goes

 

I've recently (almost) finished building my car, and all along the way this has had me dancing along a psychological tightrope. Due to various factors I have a tendency to strive for perfection, and this can get me into a lot of self-inflicted trouble (and has done in the past!).

 

In a recent post I decided to 'come out' and share a bit of my story, in the hope that it would help others to be more open about any sort of mental struggles they have had, or are currently dealing with: https://forum.wscc.co.uk/forum/topic/130867-the-lobster-88-se-rebuild/page/41/?tab=comments#comment-1422129

 

This can be anything from suicidal thoughts, right through to relatively-harmless-but-totally-draining overthinking (something I still do too much - mentally composing email replies at 3am while I'm lying awake, or practicing phone calls in advance!). If this describes you then you're not alone - even within this club - and I have always found the support that comes from all angles when I 'break cover' to be overwhelming, completely the opposite to my original fear of being seen as 'crazy', or being ridiculed, or even excluded. In fact it kinda makes you feel like you're in some sort of exclusive club when people pop up (both 'publicly' and privately) offering similar stories or support and understanding. It's extremely heartwarming.

 

So, I guess the over-riding message is that it is perfectly normal to feel like cr@p sometimes, and that it's absolutely OK when that happens. There is support available all around if you allow it to come into your life. I will personally offer myself as one of these support mechanisms if I'm able to at the time, I'm only a PM away

 

Feel free to share any stories here, you won't be judged and as I said, we'll be part of a (relatively) exclusive club, haha.

 

And don't forget that whatever happens, there's always a fun and engaging toy with a shouty engine sat in / on your garage / shed / drive to allow you to clear your head at the end of a bad day

 

Take care everyone, x

 

 

[Andy Banks]

Thanks Adam, there's a little and a lot of this in all of us. I would hope that here in the Friendly Club is as best a place you'll find to share these important themes. 

 

[stephenh]

Well Adam, you're a braver man than me. And I must say that I would never have thought that you had these problems. 

I guess all I can add is "join the club" and in saying that I don't mean WSCC.

[MrPid]

Its never too late to discuss anything.

 

I think there is a bit of this in everyone. Everyone's life experience either exacerbates or subdues these feelings to different degrees.

 

I started my first kit car build at age 19 and (wasted) five/six years of my early twenties whilst my mates were off to Ibiza, partying and catching diseases! :-) 

 

But I didn't waste that time, I learnt so so so much. I come from an engineering family but I taught myself everything. I recently qualified as a welder/fabricator using knowledge I picked up 15/20 years ago. Why did I choose to do it? Because somebody told me I couldn't. Not content with putting a straight forward Pinto in the car, I bored it out to 2.1 and strapped a turbo on as well. Why did I do the qualification? Because it was never good enough telling people you can do it, but a piece of paper will shut them up!

 

I was always very hard on myself, and still am, I guarantee I would have been diagnosed on the "spectrum" if it was around in the days of black and white. I was always worried working full time would limit me reaching goals outside of work. In 2008 I went self employed and my perspective changed entirely. I was the only person to limit myself, but with that I had to learn to be easier on myself otherwise I would burn myself out mentally and physically. So long as I could go to bed knowing I had given 110% then I would sleep well. They say Rome wasn't built in a day, and the long game always yields better results.

 

The other revelation I had was reading lots of autobiographies. From Arnold Schwarzenegger, Alan Sugar to Guy Martin etc they all have similar traits. They all have this desire to succeed, or they need to prove themselves, which drives them. This allowed me to take a view and understand that its entirely normal to be so driven.

 

My other half laughs at me all the time, I cannot sit still, I rarely watch tv and I am lost without a project to do. I bought a house last year which is filling the project quota no end, but I still lay awake analyzing every detail of all of the projects. The trouble I have now is that working full time leaves me less time for "extra curricular" activities and I do sometimes feel like I dont have enough time, but I know that it will all work out in the end and fret much less about completing everything yesterday.

 

The other thing I learnt during my self employed phase is to not care about what anyone else says, feels, thinks or wants. I was never one for really caring for the opinion of others anyway, but being utterly selfish about what makes your life better and is best for you is the best thing you can ever do. Your family will always understand and support you (if not they should), as do loved ones. Your true friends will also do the same, those that don't are not worth the time of day. I'm not afraid of saying no to people, and always tell people what I think, whether they like it or not. People may not always agree but they will respect you for it.

 

I never really tried hard at school either, but did well. I started my masters a couple of years ago and I was always outspoken in class, challenging the material and asking questions of the lecturer. I saw other students rolling their eyes and tutting, mostly the basics who would prefer to discuss their holiday plans than study. Anyway, I actually applied myself for once, just to see if it would make a difference. I was mortified to only just make it into the distinction category, which I took up with the examining board having spotted errors on their model answers. It was then they told me I was one of the very few to get a distinction and had the highest marks of any other student nationwide, with some 65%  failing the exam entirely. So that shut me up.

 

My point being is that its fine to push yourself hard, don't be afraid to raise the bar higher and higher. Even if you fall short of the bar, you'll still end up higher than the next person. Be humble, ask questions, learn new things and above all ENJOY it! So long as you do your absolute best, thats all you can ask of yourself. Once you learn to realise the things that genuinely matter you wont be so hard on yourself and then you will be in an upwards cycle instead of a downwards cycle.

 

I'm approaching 40 in August and must say that it doesnt daunt me at all, the only concern is of course - do I still have enough time to get all my plans done! 😉 

 

Anyway, thats my lunch time thoughts .... :-) 

 

 

[Jude - The Mad Widow]

Adam, I am hugely grateful for your post, I have always tried to share my own mental health issues with people I hope will become my friends and acquaintances.  Having been a governor on the Bucks & Oxon NHS Foundation Trust for 4 years I have heard so many mental health patients say that no one understands them... that's because we don't share it!  Of course, we don't always feel like we want to share, we feel isolated, alone and unable to put it out there  - we may never be able to share our own mental health issues... 

 

I have spent all of my adult life battling with depression, anxiety and then bipolar. I was lucky to have a husband who supported me through the down times and grounded me during high times... of course, he is no longer with us so I am finding my way forward alone. Yes I know people think I am a bit quirky, a bit unusual but let's face it I am never boring!  My grandchildren call me Nana Fou Fou ( google translate!) 

 

So thank you Adam, for putting this out there... few of us are 'normal' but it's taken me a very long time to feel at one with my own personality. 

 

The Westfield is great therapy, better than meds! 

[jeff oakley]

I posted on the other thread so I will not repeat what I wrote there, but over the years I have had issues myself but have seen the struggle of others as well. 

 

At the moment mental health is the trendy subject to discuss, but we need to ask why does it take a celebrity or royalty to highlight what is around us all everyday? If you saw a person with a missing limb or hair gone due to cancer many would be happy to talk to the person, yet with mental health issues to often we shy away from just asking how they are now, fearing not knowing what to say.

 

And mental health is a huge issue which can touch anyone, from women after giving birth to soldiers having PTSD and every type of person between. It does not discriminate between rich and poor, young and old or intelligent and stupid it just happens, more often than some will imagine. It has a wide range from mild to suicidal thankfully most are not at that end of the range.

 

Suicide is the leading cause of death for young men under 35, not car accidents or other such things. These young people are our brothers and sons and they aren't nutters as used to be thought but ordinary people who need help understanding and support. 

 

There is help out there but the trouble is many sufferers do not know they need help, bottling it up until it is too late and then everyone is shocked. Worse still you will hear comments about how selfish these people are if they commit suicide which inconveniences us if the road is closed or a train cancelled.

 

The Samaritans do a wonderful job but the best help is friends family and work mates who will notice things and just talk to people and push them to seek help. .

[Rory's Dad]

I get cheesed off with becoming older - strength gone, brain gone, garage is a mess, like to doze off... 

 

However, I am walking at least 3000 steps/day which helps @Blatman! 

[cast iron]

I was in a pretty good place last year, leading my race championship, getting ready to be married to the love of my life, becoming responsible for 4 mad collie dogs, then bang a mini stroke or TIA,. Physically recovered very well but the mental scars of reliving that day and the following weeks has been likened to PTSD. My thought patterns will never be the same, neither will my outlook on life

[Jude - The Mad Widow]

16 hours ago, jeff oakley said:

The Samaritans do a wonderful job but the best help is friends family and work mates who will notice things and just talk to people and push them to seek help. .

I have always found the more desperate I am for help the harder it is to ask... 

 

 

[Peter Robinson]

I lost very very dear friend to this awful illness two months ago, he was 46 and very outgoing wife and two kids and a 200k job.

It has refocused my life and they way I look at other people.

Nothing will bring Dave back but raising money for CALM ( Campaign against living miserably) is keep me and my friends very busy.

Your a brave man and bl**** well done on that car, the engineering alone is amazing!

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

1 hour ago, Jude - The Mad Widow said:

I have always found the more desperate I am for help the harder it is to ask... 

 

 

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

And without wanting to disparage the general NHS, who after way more experience of, through family illness etc than I’d like, I’m aware have good and bad people, good days and off days. 

 

Do be be careful who you reach out to. With hind-site, maybe either a more specialist organisation, or at the very least, someone who you know and trust.

 

Like a damn idiot, I spent months early last year, the end of the year before screwing up the courage to admit to a problem that had spun outside my usual control and to ask for help. I had a different nurse from my regular one at my six month check up, and pretty much managed to force myself to blurt things out. To my horror, she pretty much brushed things off with a “there are lots of people worse off” speech, handed m the samaritans leaflet and punted me out the door.

 

I already had the metaphorical pistol, she basically cocked it and passed it back. I sat for more hours than I can remember staring at my “easy solution” on the dining room table. (Stockpiled morphine from after my Mum had passed away). And in the end, the only thing stopped me taking enough, was the thought of who would look after my pet cat, (who doesn’t meet new people well). It was as close as that. In fact in my head, I was already over the line, and just waiting for the actions of my body to catch up.

 

My regular nurse was absolutely horrified when I asked to never be seen by the other one again, (she dragged the real reason out of me eventually). And set I should have just come straight to her, or the Samaritan’s or similar, and that they would have helped.

 

She also told me one of the nerve pain meds I’ve been on carries a heightened suicide risk anyway, so I should have been immediately fast tracked for treatment. Thankfully, twelve months or more on, im still here, and it’s been a better year, but it still has its moments, and the problem with depression and it’s related issues, is they never seem to entirely go away, but creep back up on you when you don’t expect them.

 

I can’t pretend to offer expert advice, and I know how little you do want to reach out when it gets bad. But do make those calls, and if you can’t think of anyone else, i’ll Listen. (Though you’d be desperate by then!)

 

Oh well, I guess that’s more than five people who know now.

[Jude - The Mad Widow]

5 hours ago, Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Secretary said:

Oh well, I guess that’s more than five people who know now.

 

What an amazing tale, you have done so well Dave.  After the car accident which killed Brian I was treated for PTSD for 2 years courtesy of the insurance company of the biker that caused the accident.  A 6-month waiting list for psychology from the NHS.  I was shocked about this and at the next governors meeting, I let rip my outrage.  In fact, I signed myself off from my mental health team of 30 years standing and I am going it alone.  I take mood balancing drugs but keep trying to get off those... I try to take daily doses of the yellow easy to take meds on wheels.  I have issues when on the road but just have to get on with it.  Niki Lauda was sat in a burning car for the same amount of time as Brian... seeing it on the tv today brings everything back. AGAIN!

 

I do offer advice regarding mental illness, I am happy for anyone to contact me should they need to share or enquire.  I did mental health unit assessments for 4 years plus a variety of other NHS mental health related stuff..

 

I am confident that the comments on this forum will have helped someone and having battled for mental health services I am just so chuffed to read it all.   Thank you all so much. 

[Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman]

It’s probably thirteen years now, since I was diagnosed with PTSD and what was was patently obviously clinical depression to even the most unobservant, after a massive accident. Like you, I was fortunate to receive private treatment courtesy of the other drivers insurance, quite quickly.

 

I also got a good assessor who quickly realised that the NHS approach at the time would never have worked with me and eventually sorted out an excellent Cognative Therapist. (I get trapped down mental avenues, and have think my way back out, if that makes sense, no one can really do it for me? But they can teach me how to think and work it out).

 

He was puzzled at first though, as he couldn’t get certain things to add up. So we just went, conversationally, back and back, and a bit further back. Long story shortish, I was the driver in a fatal accident with a twelve year old pedestrian when I was seventeen and in freshens week at university. Had to do the whole Police investigation, coroners court etc.  and try and look the grieving  parents in the eye, as my insurance appointed solicitor asked me if I wanted to claim damages from them to recover my insurance excess, expenses etc. (the dead lad was found at fault). I declined. 

 

However, back then in the mid eighties, that was it. You just got on with things. My therapist in the 2006 accident basically worked out I’d still been suffering from symptoms of PTSD and various issues since that original accident, and that this one had simply blown everything wide open again.

 

Of course nothing is ever quite that black and white, those events just served to exacerbate underlying odd ways my mind works, anyway. Not a good cocktail when you mix them all up.

 

 

 

[jeff oakley]

Your tale Dave sums up why we need to make mental issues easily talked about and to do things differently. As I posted in the other thread my parents were from a generation where there were nutters who were locked up and those who just needed to pull themselves together. Being told to just get on with it and pull yourself together works for some but they still have that there lurking in the background hidden as there was some sort of shame attached to admitting you were struggling.

 

Thankfully we have moved on from that. I have unfortunately had a driver killed and two involved in fatal crashes that were not their fault in the time I have worked for the company I do. On all those occasions we provided the opportunity to those involved to have help and therapy immediately and thankfully that helped them to deal with everything and move on.

 

We also give time for bereavement because everyone is different, the loss of a parent in old age is expected, the loss of a child completely different so why try to make 5 days off with pay a limit, the last thing people need on top of that is stress of having no money.

 

Also as Jude (The Mad Widow) ironic name now we know the story,  highlights mental health professionals are in short supply. My daughter is a Dr and did a rotation in Psychiatric and she hated it, listening to everyones misery is soul destroying so when you add in the workload and that it is one of the lowest paid specialities is there any wonder there is a shortage. With Charlotte I always make sure I am there to listen whilst she vents as even in hospitals Dr's do not get the support they should get when faced with things everyday they deal with. Imagine working in A&E and having a 5 year old die, then having to go to deal with an obnoxious woman who was kicking off as she had been waiting three hours to be seen and at the end of the shift just be expected to pack up and go home as if nothing has happened. It is a reason why so many health care workers have their own demons, drink drugs and comfort eating are all mechanisms they use.

 

Our ex soldiers get poor help and end up with similar problems or homeless to boot where help is even harder to access for them and woefully short.

 

I don't want us to get like it is in the US where in some ways it has become trivialised, and example of this is the help line set up for Game of Thrones fans who need counselling as the series has ended or a broken finger nail sends them to therapy, but where we are now is not good enough and many lives would be saved and thousands improved if we continue to build on what we have to get where we need to be.

 

Those who survive cancer wear a badge of pride as a survivor and turn what has happened to positive things, mental issues are still by many seen as something to hide.

To all those who are touched by this thread you are part of a very big but quiet group, but not alone

 

     

 

 

[neptune]

How does one go about finding the right help when the best advise the gp can give is give up your job and find something else ?