Had a night last night I’d rather not ever repeat. I underwent surgery last Friday to repair an umbilical hernia that was getting close to needing emergency surgery, so caught it just in time - although I could have done without having the anaesthetic through my spine and being conscious throughout the procedure. It was successful, anyway.
Part of the fun of having abdominal surgery is that your colon takes great exception to being violated, and gets its own back by shutting down. Thus since last Friday, I’ve been enduring an unwelcome visitation from the Poo Prevention Fairy.
There’s very little you can do about it except ride it out, but it’s pretty uncomfortable to say the least. The medical advice is to wait a few days before trying a laxative. By the end of yesterday, three and a half days in, I was ready to try anything, so out came the Ducolax to act as an eviction order against the non-travellers in my colon.
About 2:45 this morning I was awoken by a noise coming from my guts which I last heard in The Exorcist when Linda Blair was possessed, and felt a pressure near the termination of my outflow pipe that was unmistakable in intent. I hobbled to the loo as quickly as I could without releasing the toxic monster and just managed to take my place in the driver’s seat of the porcelain bus when a gust of wind emanated from my tailpipe that sounded like Satan summoning his demonic army home for a pep talk. This was followed by something I can only describe without revulsion as the worst log flume ride in the world, ever. It went on for so long I thought I’d end up on the floor and flat as a piece of paper, completely empty inside. One of the dogs came in, wrinkled its nose in disgust at the smell and left me to my fate in mid-process. This was interspersed with belches strong enough to move the curtains.
All this went on 20 minutes and when it finally stopped, I managed to struggle back to bed at 315...only to repeat it all over again at 500. I only wish I’d weighed myself before the non-travellers were evicted to see how much weight I’d lost.
So folks, if you think your day is a bit s**t, my literally already has been. Thought I’d share as it’s always fun to laugh at the misfortunes of others.