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...and what it really means. Having spend several hours doing a simple 1 to 2 hour (Haynes estimate) job on my daughter's camper van (a 1984 Bedford CF250) I thought it was time to wheel this out again - surely it's been seen here before, hasn't it? The job was to replace the o/s rear wheel cylinder because it had begun to leak fluid. Fully expecting a corroded bore I decided to replace it. Firstly there's removing the brake shoes with all their accompanying widgets for adjustment, handbrake actuation, and anti-rattle springs. This last item releases all its pent-up energy as you lever the shoes off their abutments to release the pull-off springs. There's a ping and most of the bits are cast to the four winds over your shoulders before you've taken note of how they were assembled. Haynes covers so many variants and model years that a truly accurate diagram of how it all goes is actaully a hybrid of a couple of similar ones - neither accurate! Re-assembly, it says, is the reverse of disassembly but needs patience as it can be "a little tricky". By the time I'd finished reassembling I ached like a wrestler after ten rounds with Giant Haystacks! So, here we are... HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual (or Clymer or Chilton equivalents) in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who haven't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo .... Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you? Haynes: Should remove easily. Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: Remove small retaining clip. Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Locate ... Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you. Haynes: Prise off... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Ease ... Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ... Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly". Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating (simple). Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate). Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start. Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert). Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*******" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Locate securing bolt. Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin. Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box. Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw. Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do! Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain. Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one. Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere. Haynes: Grease well before refitting. Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease. Haynes: See illustration for details Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given. Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap. Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity. Haynes: Top up fluids. Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage. For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement? The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues! THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL All makes and models post-2000 For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is: Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash. Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above). HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, motorcycle jackets, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...." BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender). EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off. PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

I haven't been through all the photos yet but this end of day shot ends up being my favourite every year.

great looks like the rain will be up north .us down south will be fine

planning round the plockton area and a photo shoot at the castle for the saturday blat .

I had kind of an exciting weekend. My baby got out in the sunshine for the first time! IMG_6730 by Chris Garrity, on Flickr I've still got a lot of gremlins to chase out of the wiring, and some things like the front wings, but it's starting to come together. BTW, if you click through to that image, it's actually a video.

went over to the car show at Forres today took the back roads over the Oak hill, had a nice day out some very nice cars of all ages and styles, a couple of westies and a robin hood as well, had a couple of hours wandering and chatting and then a wee blast home a wee clip of the oak hill, https://youtu.be/Lgm1eiLlnhI roads were damp in places car was a mess by the time I got home Grrrrrr, but had fun Gary

TEL's TALE's 062/16 Ty Croes, Anglesey 30 April- 1 May 2016 Well what a miserable showing from the Speed Series guys. Just myself and John Loudon showed up and with an entry of only 68 the MGCC were making a big loss on the weekend and are contemplating whetehr to run it next year and that would be a shame as its one of the favourite venues with 2 different circuits over the weekend. As my motorhome was ready until next week I had to sleep in the trailer again. The forecast was below zero but with thermals, 2 pullovers and three sleeping bags I survived the ordeal quite well and with John Loudon providing me with hot coffee all weekend it was nearly luxury. I even sat in his nice warm motorhome and enjoyed the luxury of TV. Saturday forecast was dry but very cold so not too bad but probably no chance of getting near difficult records/target times. John Loudon's car started to play up right at the start and it was probably protesting about the extra 20kgs approx that his new full cage had added. His newly fitted Quantum double acting shocks (from Meteor Motorsport) looked the business. The problem was associated with the alternator not charging and he had had 2 repaired since the last event. During the day we put the multimeter into action and by a process off continuity tests proved that a small wire to the alternator looked ok but had a break in the wire (in the middle of the insulation so we could not see it) it so we replaced it and problem solved !!! There was one practice of the two laps National and I caught David Williams ( well known character with a Westfield car ) after only one lap so recorded 125.89 secs as I did not take a rerun. John set off with a decent 115.67secs. John's target time was 113.60 secs and after we softened his shocks a little he was pleased to get down to 113.41secs on his penultimate run to set a new class E record. I was struggling to find grip on myslicks and in the end posted 111.28secs against a very difficult target of 107.94secs set by ACW in October 2015. We had 5 timed runs so it was good value for money. Saturday night proved to be just as cold as Friday but with the added ingredients of buffeting wind and heavy ran from 0530hrs in the morning. The wind and rain continued all day and it was probably the coldest and most miserable driving conditions I have experienced. The International course from Church to Rocket saw us doig about 115mph wih the cars moving all over the place due to water and gusts of wind. I had water inside and outside of my visor and visibilty was almost none existent. It was obvious that due to the conditions it was going to be a wet day and still John and I pushed as hard as we could to get maximum points. In the end although I was fastest John was one percent closer to his target time so scored best with me taking the 100 points. By 1240hrs we had completed two practices and two timed runs so, along with several other drivers, we called it a day and loaded up. Looking forward to the next event there in June when hopefully there will be a few more of us in the paddock. Thanks for the company John. Terry Everall Class G competitor

Sorry we missed you dave, Andy explained , totally understand. Thanks to Andy and Andy I got started and made it home OK. Headlights worked well for once but starter is still jammed. Off to hit it with a precision instrument ☺

You can add me to the list.

Latest Attendees Thomas Frankland Mike Hardwick (Mooch) Barry Ashcroft tightscot Gary (KugaWestie) - North Oxfordshire AO Lue Howard

Stu, This week is a good time to go to Snowdownia. The mountain forecast is excellent. No excuses, chuck a sicky and don't post it on facebook, you'll be fine. Julie

I am in for this one Also Lue Howard from our area will be. I will get it booked up soon Thanks for starting the thread off Tom

David No doubt we will have a wall full of special desserts for you and Windy so don't fret! Glad to hear you have abandoned your weight loss programme Glutey

Interesting photo I might weld these in just in case I change my design which uses the original top mount on the 1.6 engine with a cross brace

Thanks for sharing that. Too true, laughing out loud on the train home.

Sadly won't be at this one as I'll be on holiday but have a blast all!

I've ordered one too, so it had better be a good 'un.

struuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuufffffffffff the engine put up a good fight !! - I may have nightmares after watching this

Hi Adam, Not as keen as me! I have borrowed a friends Go Pro so 'ill try to get a vid on YT for your advice again. My number is 07765 900 547 mike

In that case, after Tuesday, you can borrow mine!

looking better!!!

Hi All Just a brief summary of Hethel yesterday! Although there was not many Speed Series entries it was great day to see so manyfriends and WSCC personalities around the paddock. In addition the weather was kind apart from head wind on the home straight! It was great to see David Hussey as Club Steward and Martin Hepworth my old sparring partner from Class C. Matt Hillam was there with Steve Broughton in the Dallara and Matt's previous experience of Hethel resulted in him getting the better of Steve on the day. Pete Goulding provided great entertainment at one moment having lost his glasses inside the cramped quarters of his new single seater. I am not sure if his much abused wife will provide the essential paddock support services at his next event! Del got the drop on Garry in the Dick Spanner orange machine and my unexplained run of miserable times continues. The only downside of the day was that we only got one practice run. Because the weather was so good and universally acclaimed as the best event of the season so far, many of the competitors went for it and over did it many times with a considerable number of offs. None were serious but they did incur considerable track sweeping activities after each occurrence. To comply with the MSA Blue Book we all had to actually sign away our entitlement to a second practice run so that the 100+ entrants could get 2 qualifying timed runs. The banter around the paddock was good with our friends from Borough 19, Lotus 7 club and the Lotus On Track Elise drivers. Very enjoyable day and back home by 6-30pm. Glutey (trainee event reporter)

I hope to get there this time.

correct we have promised a photo shoot there for 5 years and never done it .

I'm hoping to be in the Westfield for this one, hopefully there will be more parking than last time.

Cheers Marcus - your car looked v nice at Stoneleigh by the way

Thanks Q, I'm hoping to be there this month

I also spotted an incredibly tall chap on the top right

Don't worry Julie, we'll take loads of photos of all the lovely cake. And maybe some cars too.

Thanks for that Marcus , it's killing me missing the Carding Shed and now you are doing a photo shoot,,,,,,ooooh noooo It might even be warm enough for you to wear the new T-Shirts, now they would look the part at the Carding Shed.

I had the same thought, but then when the Mega S2000 was launched a few initially thought it was a hoax, (it was suspiciously close to April) as the very first press release photo showed an old promo shot of, IIRC a red Megabusa.