* Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. * Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. * The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. * If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. * We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. * Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. * The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? * Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish. * I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. * Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again. * The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas! * Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. * Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. * You're never too old to learn something stupid.