The General (Brexit) Election –(A gentle parody).

[DonPeffers]

 

The General Election was called because the Conservatory Government was struggling to sort a problem nobody had asked them to create---Brexit.

 

Brexit arose after PM David of Cameroon asked the voters if they wanted to Remain in EU or Leave, and the voters apparently got it wrong.

After DC resigned a new PM, Mother Theresa, tried and failed to sort the Brexit. Then it was the turn of another new PM called Boorish who was so famous he was known solely by his first name (this is the case with all truly well known people; Elvis, Prince, Bjork etc.).

 

The Parties had different plans to appeal to voters:-

 

Conservatory--—Leader Boorish said his new Brexit plan was ‘half-baked'.  Many observers agreed.

It just needed slightly more cooking to be satisfying and nutritious for the whole nation. The hope was that an exhausted nation would vote Conservatory to end the brexit purgatory and forget 9 years of wage stagnation and funding NHS at half the historic average yearly increase.
The Purgatory Party stood down to give Conservatory a clean run at their target seats.

 

Labour---Leader Jeremiah Corblimey (he wears cor-blimey trousers and lives in a Council flat) said he’d negotiate an improved Brexit deal, then let the voters know it’s rubbish and recommend staying in EU. Hope was that extra NHS funding promise would swing the vote for Labour and voters wouldn’t focus on vast spending commitments and possible tax increases. UK had never had a Marxist Socialist PM who'd attended terrorists’ funerals before, but there was a first time for everything.

 

LibUnDems---Leader (girlyswot) Jo Winsome said she’d Revoke Article 50 and stay in EU ignoring 17.4 million voters from 2016 because LibUnDems know what’s best. Hope was that all the Remain voters would switch to LibUnDems to sweep Jo to power.

 

Scottish National Party---Leader, Nicola 1, wanted to stay in EU, and Leave UK, delivering an Independent Scottish Country accountable to no-one except the unelected bureaucrats of Brussels.

 

Greens---Leader J R Hartley wanted to solve problems by going back to a simpler time called the 15th century.

 

Brexit Party---Leader N Farago wanted Brexit delivered (unclear what that is and Deliverooo couldn't help).

 

A General Election is usually about Defence, Tax, NHS, Police, Schools, funding Local Government etc but this one is defined by Brexit.

 

A TV station planned a debate between the leaders of the two biggest parties, Conservatory and Labour, but Jo Winsome demanded to be included despite only gaining 12 MPs in 2017 (and Jo losing her own East Dumbartonshire seat in 2015--regained in 2017). Jo had cleverly calculated that if she could merely increase her MPs by a multiple of 28 then she would be Prime Minister. There was no flaw in the arithmetic; only in the voting logic based on all past history of elections.

Jo was very polite and insisted the Party drop a slogan rhyming with rollocks after arguing that an anti-Democracy stance was offensive enough.

 

The EU Budget Deficit Rules unambiguously stated NO COUNTRY SHALL EXCEED 3% GDP AS YEARLY DEFICIT (unless that Country is called France). This was a drawback for Labour, and Jeremiah, as their spending plans might exceed the limit (secretly JC wanted out of the EU to have free rein over Government spending).

 

Current PM Boorish made a commitment to stop drinking alcohol until Brexit was sorted, which is expected to be very soon (Brexit already in the oven).
This greatly reassured the electorate as it meant he’d only be boozing during the rest of his 5 year term as PM (if successful).

History showed that all great British PMs in the past had been great imbibers.

 

Voting day is 4 weeks tomorrow---here's hoping it all turns out for the best.

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[Blatman]

To me the biggest single pandering commitment promise was free broadband for everyone. Lets image, youre having broadband problems and you have to call a government department for help...

 

[Captain Colonial]

It's unreal, the whole thing.  If you employed 635 people... a scheming, self-important, evasive, out-an-out liar to lead half your workforce, an useless fossil of an out-of-touch crock who makes grand promises he can't possibly keep to lead 35% of your workforce, and several of the most annoying and selfish people on the planet to lead the last 15%, then paid them an average £100k per year for three and a half years only to get zero done at the end... you'd either sack the lot of them or just shut the factory down altogether.  The fact that they have the nerve to ask us to hire them again is breathtaking humbug.  All they have done since 2016 is feather their own nests while driving a huge wedge through the nation.

[Simon Waterfall Syman84]

[Blatman]

On 17/11/2019 at 14:49, Captain Colonial said:

It's unreal, the whole thing.  If you employed 635 people... a scheming, self-important, evasive, out-an-out liar to lead half your workforce, an useless fossil of an out-of-touch crock who makes grand promises he can't possibly keep to lead 35% of your workforce, and several of the most annoying and selfish people on the planet to lead the last 15%, then paid them an average £100k per year for three and a half years only to get zero done at the end... you'd either sack the lot of them or just shut the factory down altogether.  The fact that they have the nerve to ask us to hire them again is breathtaking humbug.  All they have done since 2016 is feather their own nests while driving a huge wedge through the nation.

 

Plenty of out and out liars out there leading workforces far larger than political parties and with influences more far reaching. Surely this is parliament reflecting real life?

And devils advocacy aside, what is the alternative? We play the hand we are dealt until the and is over and the dealer throws us new cards OR one of us stands for election and tried to get in amongst it. I suspect going from a "normal" job to being tarred with "all politicians are corrupt, money grabbing feckwits" 30 seconds after the returning officer announces the result could focus the mind a bit... 

[Captain Colonial]

11 hours ago, Blatman said:

 

Plenty of out and out liars out there leading workforces far larger than political parties and with influences more far reaching. Surely this is parliament reflecting real life?

 

So you’re perfectly happy to be governed by an out-and-out liar because there are workforce’s being led by them?  Not exactly the same thing, is it?

 

My last employer before I retired made asinine decisions but they only affected his own business, his employees, his customers and his competitors.  It didn’t affect every citizen of the country.  Are you actually saying that the head of a national company has more influence over the population of the country than whoever the PM is?

 

It may reflect real life to a degree, but that does not make it right, nor does it mean we have to accept it as the norm.  Our politicians are supposed to be held to the highest level of standards, not descend to the lowest level once in power.  If we are prepared to accept the lowest level as the normal standard, we have no one to blame except ourselves...which is pretty much where we are, no matter which party you support.

[Mark Stanton]

Free internet provided by government nationalised industry ................... sounds very controlling and communist   

[DonPeffers]

So if Labour takes over Openreach to provide the so-called 'free' broadband assuming they don't just steal it (great work for the lawyers) there will be a sale price the Government (public) has to meet. Then the ongoing costs of repairs, salaries for engineers, call centre operators, office costs etc as well as ongoing staff pension costs all to be paid from ZERO revenue as the product is free to use. 

This will create a revenue drain which Labour is hoping will be met by greater UK business productivity from using the faster broadband but I haven't yet seen the projections for this nor how realistic they are.

 

Also talk of other broadband providers suing the Government as their business will struggle to compete with the 'free' service.

 

Nor sure Labour have thought this through and it may just be an eye-catching policy that goes nowhere. 

 

P.S.  I think it's a disgrace that manifestos are just coming out now (Lib. today and tomorrow for Labour and Tory) as we are now 2 weeks into the campaign.

[Alan France]

2 hours ago, Mark Stanton said:

Free internet provided by government nationalised industry ................... sounds very controlling and communist   

Even communist China charges for internet access.

[AdamR]

39 minutes ago, DonPeffers said:

may just be an eye-catching policy that goes nowhere.

 

Isn't that the whole point of silly season, the few weeks immediately preceeding an election?

 

Some of the 'policies' they are coming out with are pretty ridiculous.

 

"I'll plant a million trees!"

 

"I see your million trees and raise you another million!"

 

"Well poo to you all, I'll do TEN million!"

Can't be long before Boris and his chums offer:

 

"Free hookers and blow for everyone!"

[DonPeffers]

Thanks Adam--gets my vote.

[Paul Hurdsfield - Joint Manchester AO]

57 minutes ago, DonPeffers said:

 

Nor sure Labour have thought this through and it may just be an eye-catching policy that goes nowhere. 

 

Well it caught my eye and it made me laugh cos' it will never happen.

 

like all election promises it's just hot air. 

[Nick Algar - Competition Secretary]

2 hours ago, Paul Hurdsfield said:

 

Well it caught my eye and it made me laugh cos' it will never happen.

 

like all election promises it's just hot air. 

 

But the problem is that at the last election the promise of Writing off student loans (equally stupid and never going to happen) was believed and won them Votes from lots of ex-students who thought why not,   

[jeff oakley]

Labours only hope of being elected is to promise enough free stuff, to enough people who actually believe it. If they got elected they would back track in the same way Nick Clegg did when he reneged on student fees.

 

As for being led by out and out liars, well which past PM's were not partial to telling porky pies? The electorate do not want the truth, they want to hear that their particular problem will be eased.

So pensioners want free TV licences and bus passes. Students want free everything, business wants to pay less tax, the public want to pay less tax and the public want a continued and better NHS. At the moment all parties are promising the earth and are all lying through their teeth, as they all do at election time.

 

Across the world we have got the very worst politicians ever in most countries and the world is worse for it.

[corsechris]

We get what we deserve. Ryanair politicians.