Toupee or not toupee...

[Phssthpok]

   

Next month Frank, my American father-in-law, is visiting us for 2 weeks. Now, Frank’s a genial old man, with a ready smile and firm handshake. Fast approaching his 60’s he’s been most places and done most things and is looking forward to doing a great deal more. Unfortunately Frank has one major character flaw: he will not admit he’s as bald as a coot with severe alopecia. For last 30 years, Frank’s worn a selection of the most atrocious ginger, nylon toupees seen outside a Chris Evan’s look-a-like competition. He will not even admit to his wife that he’s bald, even though his rug regularly falls off at night and, on one occasion, ended up adoring the thanks-giving turkey when he injudiciously coughed while carving.          

So, what’s my bald father-in-law got to do with Westfield’s I hear you muttering. Well, my Westfield is the nub of the problem you see. Frank’s a car nut and there is no way he’s not going to insist being taken out in the topless one. If I were a betting man, I’d say that the wig will stay on for about 3.5 seconds, or roughly the time it takes to hit 30mph. So I need suggestions, especially from toupee wearing Westfield owners, and will consider anything short of nailing the bl**** thing to his head.

[westy]

Get a piece of pink ribbon and tie it round his head and toupee, perhaps using a bow for the knot on top of his head.

Get him to sit in the passenger seat upside down thus insuring no wind turbulence

Put the hood up

Tie the toupee to the roll bar so it only drops in to the boot box when it falls off, thus easily collectable when he gets out of the car with all the chicks watching

Get him to wear a crash helmet

Drive at 0.5mph

Don’t do anything

[hilux]

Gel it into a rear spoiler shape...

the downdraught will keep it on

[Tomcat]

End the problem of his denial to freinds and family of the fact that he could win a Duncan Goodhew lookalike competition by getting him straight into the Westie before he has chance to glue in on, and nail it, the syrup will make a fast exit and he will have to return minus hair and admit to the world he is bald! Problem solved!      

[Mrs Westy]

Get yourself a pair of those deer stalker type hats that have bits to cover your ears and tie under your chin.  To make it authentic you have to wear one too, tell him that driving in such a fast open topped car will make his ears very cold and thus to protect them you must wear this silly hat all the time.  That's if you want to save him a blush...if not, just buy one aforementioned hat, sling it at him saying "here you go, Wiggy, this'll stop your mat from falling off during the journey"

[chrisbin]

After 3.5 seconds, you've only got to 30......

 

[Phssthpok]

After 3.5 seconds, you've only got to 30......

...be fair, that is with my daughter strapped to the rear wheel.

[chrisbin]

   

[mmmmdonuts]

Just make sure you have a camcorder running at the time of the wig departure, thus ensuring £250 from Ms Riley on telly.

£250 could ease a lot of embarassment.

[Rusty Nuts]

strap him to the spare wheel instead of your daughter with pink ribbon strategically placed around his nylon piece

[Westfields Rock On]

pull off the sump just before he arrives and say '' ooops im working on it at the mo''

chloroform

tell him to pull on tight baseball cap which reduces the buffeting effect on the face

buy him a '' worlds best father in law '' hat which he more than likely wear a la westy

chloroform

say '' move it or lose it '' (the rug)

steal the wig before head                        i mean hand

or

i will ''remove'' him for a fee

[Phssthpok]

i will ''remove'' him for a fee

How much?

[The five fingered widow]

Ask Tony Blackburn for some tips. His syrup seems to stay on pretty well in that celebrity version of survivor that I'm not watching at the moment.