RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 I got a new stick deodorant today, the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom, I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Dad cooks deer & doesn't tell the kids what it is. He only gives them 1 clue 'its what your mother calls me'. the boy yells 'don't eat it, its a f**king knob' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 I won't say my new girlfriend is fat but she fell down the stairs last night and I thought Eastenders was starting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 A man licking out a prostitute suddenly gets a piece of carrot in his mouth, he spits it out and carrys on but then gets a pea in his mouth. He spits it out and asks the hooker: "You've got bits of veg in your nunney, r u sick?" She replies: "No, but I think the last bloke was!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Three scaffolders, andy, Dave and mick are working on a high rise; one of them( mick) falls to his death. The other two have to decide who will break the news to his missus. Andy decides he'll do it as he's pretty good at that caring sentimental s**t and off he trots. Three hours later he's back with a crate of Stella under his arm. "Where'd you get that mate?" asks dave. "micks missus gave me it." "So you told her, her husbands dead, and she gave you a crate of Stella?" "Well, not exactly. When she opened the door I said, "hi you must be micks widow." She replied that she wasn't a widow and I said, "I bet you a crate of Stella you f****n' are." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Barnsley miner comes home off of day shift to find his wife unconscious on the kitchen floor bleeding from her f***y . He phones the doctors who asks ' has she got the coil in ? ' ' tha what ' he says ' she's not even got me tea ready ' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Paddy was sick to death of next doors barking all night , and the neighbours not doing anything to stop it , one night he jumps out of bed and screams I'm gona sort it , 30 min later he gets back into bed and it's still barking , his wife says I'm not sure what uv done paddy but it's not worked . Paddy replies " iv put the dog in our garden to see how they like it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his b*lls -something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?" "Because", she replied, "I really miss mine." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V 8 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 FB repost alert...soz. Went to a gay bar for a meal & found it a little unnerving when the gay waiter asked, "push your stool in sir?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cast iron Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 i was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend when she said , " i think the people in the car next to us are from wales " . i ask , how do ya know that ? , she replied , " cos the kids are writing on the windows an it say , STIT RUOY SU WOHS " ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bean Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird. I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection." But she did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
westyblade Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Ear Infection; They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my d**k', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't p**s out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 aahhahahahhahahah ive heard that before but couldnt remember the punchline Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl*w job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!" A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's v*gina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his p*nis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little b*****d -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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