peterg Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Just got an advent calender from a jehovas witness. Opened the first door and guess what? Two of the f**kers stood behind it. The Grim Reaper came for me today. I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death. Police cordoned off liverpool city centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car, it later turned out to be a tax disc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peterg Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior civil servant went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York , to investigate the possibilities. "We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" the Director told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight locomotives though." "Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister" said the civil servant. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to number 4472. "That's already got a name" said the director. "It's called 'The Flying Scotsman'." "Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked the civil servant. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer." "I suppose it might be considered," said the director. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower." "That's excellent", said the civil servant, "So that's settled then .. let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!" Well, said the director, "We could always just paint out the 'F'." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here' Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: Same as a French kiss, but, 'down under.' Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch... Q: What is a man's Utimate embarrassment? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
housebeautician Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 TWO AUSSIES DAVO AND JOHNO ADRIFT IN A LIFEBOAT WHILST RUMMAGING THROUGH THE BOATS PROVISIONS, DAVO COMES ACROSS AN OLD LAMP. HE RUBBED THE LAMP VIGOROUSLY AND A GENIE CAME FORTH. THE GENIE HOWEVER SAID HE COULD ONLY DELIVER THE ONE WISH INSTEAD OF THE USUAL THREE. WITHOUT GIVING IT MUCH THOUGHT DAVO BLURTED, TURN THE OCEAN INTO BEER."MAKE THAT VICTORIA BITTER" THEE GENIE CLAPPED HIS HANDS TOGETHER AND THE WATER TURNED TO BEER. THE GENIE THEN VANISHED AND ALL THAT WAS LEFT THE GENTLE LAPPING OF THE BEER ON THE SIDES OF THE BOAT BREAKING THE SILENCE. JOHNO LOOKED AT DAVO IN DISGUST HIS WISH HAVING JUST BEEN GRANTED, AFTER A LONG TENSION FILLED MOMENT, JOHNO SAID , NICE GOING DAVO! NOW WERE GONG TO HAVE TO P**s IN THE BOAT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 ***** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Williamson Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant. Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5." Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards........ What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron. Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger! What does Tiger Woods and a seal cub have in common? They both get clubbed by Norwegians. Why did Tiger Woods leave his house so early? He wanted to get to the second hole. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Rabbetts Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing. Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between the wood or the iron. What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger has a better Driver. We heard that Tiger’s wife has been interested in taking up golf. However, 2:30am does sound a bit of an odd time to start hitting your Woods. Ping just offered Elin Nordegren an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are marketing them as "clubs you can beat Tiger with." News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash. They are calling it, "Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger." EA Sports has announced the recall of Tiger Woods 2010 so a new bonus level can be added called "Tiger VS The Driveway". A collector's edition will be sold with a free Wii steering wheel. What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They're both clubbed by Scandinavians. If you made it to work this morning, you have earned the right to say "I can out drive Tiger Woods." Police: Did you hit your husband with the golf club. Elin: Yes I hit him three or four times. Police: Well which was it three or four? Elin: Just put me down for three. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Williamson Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, infront of the Fishermans Friend pub. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said! Then he touched her Creme Eggs. They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight! Sadly 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hank Posted December 12, 2009 Share Posted December 12, 2009 A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Janet quietly got up and took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichP Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm. “I’d like to buy a horth” he says to the owner of the farm. “What sort of horse?” said the owner. “A female horth,” the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. “Nithe horth,” says the dwarf, “can I thee her eyth?” So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. “Nithe eyth,” says the dwarf, “can I thee her teeth?” Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s teeth. “Nithe teeth, can I thee her eerth?” the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again he picks up the dwarf to show him the horse’s ears. “Nithe eerth,” he says, “now...can I thee her ?” With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horse’s vagina; he holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: “Perhapth I should weefwaze that... Can I thee her wun awound?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nic Ayre Posted March 2, 2010 Share Posted March 2, 2010 Dyslexic dwarfs, they're not big and not clever! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 A few more jokes..... Dad hillbilly is teaching his son to masturbate. The son says dad this is fantastic! Dad says i know.and when you're older you can use your own dangler! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 A Womans dog is drowning in the sea. A passing german tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resucitates it & saves its life.'Are u a vet' said the woman. 'Vet?' said the german 'Im soaked!' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobK Posted March 3, 2010 Share Posted March 3, 2010 Husband reluctantly buys his ungrateful wife a car for Christmas."I dont like it!" She moans,"I want something that goes from 0 to 160 in 3 seconds d******d". He comes back with a set of bathroom scales,"Stand on these then you fat f****r." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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