the joke thread

[RobK]

One day little Jimmy hears a noise and peaks into his parents room to check it out. He finds his mum bent over the dresser with his dad goin at it behind her. His dad sees him and winks at him as he closes the door. After he's finished he goes to check on Jimmy. When he goes through the door he sees grandma bent over the bed with Jimmy goin at it behind her, dad shouts what the f**k is goin on. Jimmy replies not so f****n funny when its your mum is it.

[RobK]

Paddy caught his wife having an affair so decided to kill her & himself. He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife & says dont laugh u're f****n next.

[RobK]

Husband hires hitman to kill wife of 40 years! Hitman says I'll shoot her just below her left t*t.... Husband says "I want her dead, Not f*king kneecapped!

[RobK]

I had a German plumber in the other day. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the shower. f****n old habits die hard...

[RobK]

Mick said to Paddy "Close ur curtains the next time ur ******* ur wife!" "Why?" sez paddy. "Because yesterday u were ******* her and the whole street was out watching and laughing at u!" "Well," sez paddy "The jokes on them cos, i wasn't even home yesterday

[RobK]

3 men on their honeymoon are talking, each one rekons he will ******* his wife the most that night. They decide to let each other know the number of times by the amount of toast they order at breakfast the next morning so wives dont get suspicious. Next morning 1st man orders 3 bits of toast, the 2nd man orders 4 bits of toast and looks pleased with himself until the 3rd man says in a loud voice "I would like 6 bits of toast and make 2 of them brown!"

[RobK]

Zookeeper says to Paddy"The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it.Would you consider ****** it for £5OO?" Paddy replies "I will on 3 conditions. 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know. 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

[RobK]

Recipe:

How to make love!.

Ingredients:

4 hungry eyes, 4 well shaped legs, 4 lovin arms, 2 firm milk containers, 2 nuts, 1 mixin bowl, 1 firm banana.

Directions-

1. Look into hungry eyes

2. Spread well shaped legs with lovin arms

3. Squeeze & massage milk containers very gently

4. Gently add firm banana to mixin bowl workin in an out until well creamed

5. As heat rises plunge banana deep into mixin bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak, preferably not over nite

6. The cake is done when banana is soft, if banana doesn't soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixin bowls! Notes!-

NB: If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen wash utensils carefully before and after use!

2. Do not lick mixin bowl after use! 3. If cake rises, leave town!!!

[Nic Ayre]

Recipe:

How to make love!.

Ingredients:

4 hungry eyes, 4 well shaped legs, 4 lovin arms, 2 firm milk containers, 2 nuts, 1 mixin bowl, 1 firm banana.

Directions-

1. Look into hungry eyes

2. Spread well shaped legs with lovin arms

3. Squeeze & massage milk containers very gently

4. Gently add firm banana to mixin bowl workin in an out until well creamed

5. As heat rises plunge banana deep into mixin bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak, preferably not over nite

6. The cake is done when banana is soft, if banana doesn't soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixin bowls! Notes!-

NB: If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen wash utensils carefully before and after use!

2. Do not lick mixin bowl after use! 3. If cake rises, leave town!!!

Thats the Banana Bread recipe

Loved the Jimmy giving Grandma one joke    

[Gromit]

Got thrown out of a pub in Cumbria last night. I only put Bridge over Troubled Water on the juke box. Touchy b*******s.

Taxi.

[JeffC]

Rob K    good start to a Friday      

[Bean]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

[V8grunt]

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

3.14159265 dead.

Explain?

Yep I get it now...I worked it out with a Log!

[Norman Verona]

the clue's in the pie.

[stephenh]

the clue's in the pie.

approximately!