the joke thread

[barney]

walking the dog through the graveyard the other day,bloke said morning,i said no,just walking the dog...........

taxi......

[Hank]

A guy walks into a bar and hanging behind the bar is a sign. It says: Ham Sandwich $2.

Below that in smaller letters it says: Hand Jobs $5.

The guy sits down at the bar and the bartender walks over.

The guy asks, " Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? "

She Replies: " I am. Why? Do you want one? "

He says: "No, wash your damn hands and make me a sandwich."

[pistonbroke]

Its bob a job week and the 2 boy scouts knock on the door of the country mansion

The butler answers the door and seeing an opertunity to delagate a job he doesnt fancy,  tells the scouts to go ahead and paint the rear porch as this needs doing and there is a can  of green paint and all the brushes etc around the back.

half an hour passes and there is a knock on the door , the Butler answers and the scouts proclaim " job done "

"Good lads " says the butler and duly hands over a shiny 10p reward

"Thanks a lot " says the elder scout who pockets the money

and as they walk away he turns and shouts ..

Oh by the way ...

It wasnt a porch....

It was a Ferrari  

[brianm]

Does anybody actually know why the chicken did cross the road???

What?

[housebeautician]

Two northeners, businessmen in london, were sitting down for a break in their soon to be new store.

As yet the store wasnt qiute ready and only a few empty shelves set up.

One said to the other  I bet any minute now some thick tourist walks by puts his face to the window asks what we are selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough a curious londoner

walked up to the window and in a cockney accent said what you selling.

One of the men replied sarcastically, were selling a********s.

Without skipping a beat the londoner said, your doing well pal,i see you have just two left.

[housebeautician]

I got all depressed last night so i called life line

i got a b****y call centre in afganistan.

i told them i was suicidal

they got all excited and asked if i could drive a truck

[slater]

QUOTE

Does anybody actually know why the chicken did cross the road???

to get to the other side, their not as stupid as they look.  

lewis

[housebeautician]

why do women fart after they pee.

they cant shake it like us so they blow dry it.

[pistonbroke]

why do women have legs ?

have you seen the mess a snail makes  

[JeffC]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.  It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.'

Sally raised her hand.  She said, 'My family went to see Rock  City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted  you to use the word "fascinate".'

Little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.  She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t**s are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

[pistonbroke]

Just reading Cleggy's build thread , thought of this ...

young man to young girl ......." excuse me miss,  but do you know your stocking is laddered "

young girl .......   heaven's above !"

young man ....  "I know,  but I dont have time to climb it"

   

[Richard1970]

I went to B&Q recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your ar5e cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for B&Q, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the garage..

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolley and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the "Gents" that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the "gents" which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned assistant turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor assistant, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few people in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my a** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sono@##!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Homebase. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

The Jerks claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

[JeffC]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into

bed when his wife complained, as usual

'I have a headache'

'Perfect,' her husband said.

'I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with crushed

aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you..'

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to

place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack

of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband

demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the

sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her

skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's

£20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt

over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd

any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o

Jasus,'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

[brianm]

old but funny, add your own accents

Becks and the she woman were out in Knightbridge shopping.

They saw a large tartan jobby on the shelf.

What's that? B asked.

Oh, It's a vacuum flask sir, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, the assistant willingly replied

Wow, cool, added posh, let's get one.

Later at the training ground becks is the last out of the dressing room.

Fergie spots the tartan flask and asks, " What that you there then son?"

Oh, it's a vacuum flask boss, was the reply.

Oh what does do then son?, fregie replied

It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold boss, becks added.

After a pause fergie enquired, " So what you got in there son?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"2 cups of coffee and a choc ice boss"

I thankyou

[RichP]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination inSwindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on  the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs           (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery          (So true)

 Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow                                    (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U       (What the *!!*)

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium   (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.        (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.      (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                              (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head