the joke thread

[JeffC]

SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A FOOD THAT CAN ELIMINATE NEARLY ALL OF A WOMEN'S SEX DRIVE ...

ITS CALLED WEDDING CAKE

[echoz]

People always talk about conspiracy theories like who killed JFK and who really orchestrated 9/11 but the conspiracy that I would most like to find an answer to is...

Who the hell is farting in all the packets of sealed refrigerated chicken breasts?

[Danp07]

Stuart Hall has been charged with three counts of indecent assault,

It would only have been two, but the police played their joker.

[JeffC]

TAMPAX HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT THERE WILL BE REPLACING THE STRING ON THERE TAMPONS WITH TINSEL ...

BUT LADYS THIS WILL ONLY BE FOR THE FESTIVE PERIODS ONLY

[Norman Verona]

Oh, I thought they would have used mistletoe!

[JeffC]

A couple who have been married for 10 years have substituted the word Sex for Washing Machine
One night while laying in bed the husband begins rubbing his wife's back and says
'Washing Machine'
The wife says
' I'm real tired and need my sleep'
About 5 minutes later the husband makes the same move and again says
'Washing Machine'
The wife repeats her previous statement ' I'm real tired and need my sleep'
Then she says
' Maybe tomorrow'
The wife can't get to sleep and feels guilty about rejecting her husband so about 30 minutes later she rolls over, nibbles

on his ear and says
'Washing Machine'
The husband drowsily replies
' It's okay darling, it was only a small load, so I did it by hand'.

[Mooch]

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" 

The Princess said, "No!" 

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished, built and raced his own Westfield and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard b***hing and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was f*****n cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

 

[Norman Verona]

That's not a joke, I know that bloke!

[echoz]

:D :D

[cast iron]

ah its a great life

[Mooch]

This thread has been dead for a year!  Have we collectively lost our sense of humour?  I shall attempt to resurrect:

 

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."

"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."

“Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“Well my Sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[blue ass fly]

Sat on a train when a beautiful young thai girl in a very short skirt sat opposite me

I looked up , smiled and noticed she wasnt wearing panties

I though " please god , dont get a hard- on

But she did

[Andy Banks]

I've just invented a new word... "Plagiarism"

[David-hrv]

An anteater, a proboscis monkey, a platypus and a slightly wonky crab walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of sick Formula 1 joke?"

[NVP66S]

A termite walks into a bar and asks: "Is the bar tender here?"