Norman Verona Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 F r i g g i n hell, that was quick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V8grunt Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 Well done Scott! Terrorists have started to put explosives in cattle. I think thats abombinabull! ( abominable ) get it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted May 17, 2012 Share Posted May 17, 2012 I just knew it would be allright on the fright Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted November 9, 2012 Author Share Posted November 9, 2012 The Fairy Liquid adverts have been updated to reflect a more modern Britain. "Mummy why are your hands so soft"? "Because I'm only fourteen. Now shut up and eat your Pot Noodle". There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent b******d,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy ,,,,, you explain the kids.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreigM Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 What do you call a frenchman who's been attacked by a bear? Claude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mooch Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 A Cab driver picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. . . . "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pickmaster Andy Lowe Posted November 9, 2012 Share Posted November 9, 2012 Subject: The current banking crisis explained by an Irishman Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.' Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted November 20, 2012 Author Share Posted November 20, 2012 is it wrong for me to find this really funny :d http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQlJPpi24Os 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norman Verona Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 is it wrong for me to find this really funny Yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Rabbetts Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning, “Windows frozen." Husband texts back, "Pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back, "Computer completely broken now." I received a phone call from a claims company today “Have you had an accident in the last 6 months, either at work or in the car?” “Yes I have actually” I confessed, “It was at work, whilst sat at my desk.” “I see…” Came the the reply, “And did you think about suing the company?” “No, I just went home and changed my underpants” She locked eyes with me knowing what was about to happen. She inched her way closer and closer to me trying to get my full attention. With great desire she licked her lips. The anticpiation building I knew she couldn’t wait for me to get it out. We both knew it would be over in minutes though as I... ...unwrapped her Pedigree Chum Dental Chew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GuitarmanUK Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2012 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£60,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Glasgow man in cake shop "Is that a cake in the window or a merangue " Girl behind counter " No Its a cake " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikef Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out. Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.............. "OK, OK! I CAN'T park the bl**dy car! You do it, you SMUG b******d!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man On The Clapham Omnibus Posted November 20, 2012 Share Posted November 20, 2012 Glasgow man in cake shop "Is that a cake in the window or a merangue " Girl behind counter " No Its a cake " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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