the joke thread

[Mooch]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but.... "Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops."

[Andy Banks]

Last Friday was very unlucky for my wife. First she burnt my dinner and then she got knocked the f**k out.

[frag68]

Sunday school teacher was talking to the class one Sunday morning, talking about how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny said, last week my mum looked back when she was driving and she turned into a telegraph pole

Which reminds me of the magic tractor........

It turned into a field.

[Captain Colonial]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."

[pistonbroke]

should we change the title to the " Corny Jokes Thread " ???

[Dibby]

Tried to chat up Janet Street-Porter last night. It was like pulling teeth.

[frag68]

Chantelle Kylie Marie has just turned 16 and her mother says to her, tomorrow's your wedding night and your new husband will want to put his most prized possession in the place where you pee.

Chantelle Kylie Marie replies, why is he going to put his X Box in the sink?

[JeffC]

Yorkshire I pad!

[lippydave]

A racist, an adulterer, and an England football Captain walk into a bar....

The barman says:

"Hello John..."

[lippydave]

My Girlfriend kept breaking the washing machine and she was usesless, so I threw her out.

Since then the washing machine has been perfect....

Apparently the advert is true....

"Washing machines last longer with cow gone..."

[frag68]

Passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder.

The taxi driver get such a ****ht he swerves all over the road and hits an oncoming bus.

The passengers says you are a bit jumpy.

Taxi driver replies... Up until yesterday, I was a hearse driver

[V8grunt]

The taxi driver gets such a

F

R

I

G

H

T

he swerves all, etc etc, apparently the swear filter wont let you type the word ****ht!

[V8grunt]

****htfully

****htened

****ht night.

Nope, in that case **** it!

[FILFAN]

I have an addiction to brake fluid.

I can stop anytime I like though.

[Captain Colonial]

Fright.

Frighten.

Frightened.

Frightfully.

Fixed!