lippydave Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Bloke working in the Chinese restaurant last night said to me: "I couldn't believe the news that Davey Jones of 'The Monkees' had died...." "But then i saw his face, now I'm a bereaver." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frag68 Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 My mate was telling me the other night that his wife had left him taking his Bob Marley collection, satellite dish amongst other things. Poor guy I thought, No woman no Sky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dombanks Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 Internet company Google has gone ahead with its new privacy policy despite warnings from the EU that it might violate European law... Google responded by saying the regulator was wrong, and that he would have a better grasp of the facts if he spent less time searching for pictures of "teen sluts" and sending flirty emails to his secretary. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted March 7, 2012 Share Posted March 7, 2012 I got covered in ketchup today From my head tomatoes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frag68 Posted March 7, 2012 Share Posted March 7, 2012 Two old dears are sitting in a car in a secondhand car dealer's forecourt one evening when an officer doing a routine patrol stops and goes over and asks "Are you ladies trying to steal this car". "No" they reply, " We have just bought it". "Well, aren't you going to drive it away?" asks the cop. "No because we cant even drive, but we were told that if we bought a car from this dealer we would get screwed, and we are still waiting" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted March 7, 2012 Author Share Posted March 7, 2012 Two old dears are sitting in a car in a secondhand car dealer's forecourt one evening when an officer doing a routine patrol stops and goes over and asks "Are you ladies trying to steal this car". "No" they reply, " We have just bought it". "Well, aren't you going to drive it away?" asks the cop. "No because we cant even drive, but we were told that if we bought a car from this dealer we would get screwed, and we are still waiting" :yes: :yes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CRAIGR Posted March 7, 2012 Share Posted March 7, 2012 Good one this . Just got a quote from a cheap courier company to deliver a bonnet from Birmingham to Sussex. Wait for it ...Wait for it..... £185 !!!!! Funny or what Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted March 23, 2012 Author Share Posted March 23, 2012 THREE MICE IN A PUB HAVING A MOUSE TO MOUSE TALK ... WHO,S THE TOUGHEST . FIRST MOUSE SAYS HE IS " I GO UP TO THE MOUSE TRAP RIP THE CHEESE OUT AND WHEN THE BAR COMES DOWN I BENCH PRESS IT 30 TIMES THEN CHUCK IT ACROSS THE ROOM .." 2 nd. MOUSE SAYS YE PUFF I GET RAT POISON CRUSH IT INTO POWDER AND SNORT IT .... THIRD MOUSE GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE DOOR .... WHERE YOU GOING ASK,S THE OTHER TWO MICE ............ HOME TO **** THE CAT ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frag68 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 At Grandpa's 75th birthday the grandchildren were messing about and slipped a Viagra tablet into his drink. A while later Grandpa got up and announced he was going to the toilet and when he came back his trouseres were covered in wee. When asked what happened Grandpa replied " I got it out and started peeing but when I looked down I realised it wasnt mine so I put it back" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Don't really know where to put this. The supidity of some people never ceases to amaze: We've got a new apprentice, he's 29 but with the sense of 16 year old year in industry kid. Sent him on his first site visit on his own today with the strict instructions to get the site guys a bag of donuts to keep them happy, keep the receipt and I'll give him the cash to claim it back. He got back from site: 'Did they like their donuts?' 'Oh, I didn't get any' 'Why?' 'Well, there were sugar ones and jam ones and I didn't know what ones they would like so I didn't get any.' Give me strength! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Colonial Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. /so obvious you want to kick yourself the first time you hear it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Colonial Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night" The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'Well...................... I would have got out today.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frag68 Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 My uncle got a new job as a toilet attendant, but he doesnt like it. I asked him why. He replied that people use it for straight sex, gay sex, kinky sex in fact all sorts of sex, then there are the users sniffing and snorting all sorts of drugs, pill taking, injecting all sorts of weird and wonderful things, as well as dealers selling all these products, in fact he said that when someone comes in for a sh!te its like a breath of fresh air. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 I failed my maths exam yesterday. That's the 3th time now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
langy Posted March 30, 2012 Share Posted March 30, 2012 Guy at work has come up with a solution for not cutting grass as much as you have in the past. 'Water' it with Whiskey.............. . . . . . . . It comes up half cut Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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