the joke thread

[RichP]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck. '

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies. 'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . . . . . 'What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!

[JeffC]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

[V 8]

A young ventriloquist with his dummy on his knee, starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s**t on your knee."

[Rusty Nuts]

Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge say "you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer" Man at the back of the court shouts "nunney" The room goes silent, the judge continues "you are also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a hammer. Again the man yells out "You f*****g nunney" the judge having had a enough says "sir I can understand your anger at this crime but I will have no more outbursts in court, if you have anything to say, say it now" The man gets up and says " for 15 years I lived next to that b*****d and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didnt have one"

[sailing]

A older bloke is unable to satisfy his wife or give her an orgasam.

He goes to the Drs, who advises, that while he makes love to his wife he should  have a young stud waving a towel over the both of them.

He tries this but it does not work so he goes back to the Dr's

The Doctor advises he should let the young stud make love to his wife while he waves the towel over them.

The man tries this and his wife has the best sex she has had in her life.

While they lay exhausted on the bed, the older man taps the young man on the shoulder and says

"Now that's the way you wave a towel"

[Asterix]

Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his gun and his boots. Despite the cowboy trying to cover up as best he can with his Stetson, the Sheriff considers arresting him for indecent exposure.

The Sheriff asks the cowboy 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...  

...I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her trailer with her...so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.

Then she gets on the bed on her hands and knees, looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Moral: Blondeness does not sexually discriminate

[brianm]

A phychologist is giving his lecture. His studies suggest that peoples demeanour is proportional to their sexual activity. He decides to put it to the test and asks the forum.

"Hands up all those that have sex at least once a week"

Half the audience put a hand up and smile eagerly

"Hands up thoses that have sex maybe only a couple of times a month"

Another quarter admit to this but barely manage a smile.

"And hands up to those that only have sex around a couple of times in six months"

Hallf a dozen folks regretably own up but cannot raise a smile.

Feeling his case proven he asks;

"And finally, is there anyone who has sex only once per year?"

A figure at the back jumps up, waving both arms in the air and almost bouncing off the ceiling. Me me me me .

The phycologist is totally deflated, his theories are blown, so he turns to the guy and asks.

"Please sir tell me for a man who rarely has sex, infact only once a year, why are you so happy?"

It's tonight, It's tonight, I.......

   

[John Loudon - Sponsorship Liaison]

QUOTE

A young ventriloquist with his dummy on his knee, starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little s**t on your knee."

...so last weekend  

[Bean]

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't f**k you if you were the last person alive."

Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"

Wiped the smug look off her face.

[pistonbroke]

Man and Blonde girlfriend walking down the country lane

Blonde : has'nt that cow got a lovely coat

Man : Yes it's a Jersey

Blond : Oh ! is it , I thought it was its skin

[Bean]

Dyslexia certainly hasn't dented my mate's confidence. Just the other day, he went to see Lennox Lewis at a book signing, and he reckons he managed to take him down with just one punch.

[V8grunt]

Guy walks in to a pub with a crocodile on a lead,

The barman screams "Get that thing out of here"

"It's alright he said the crocs really friendly"

at which he lifts the crocodile on to a table orders it to open it's mouth, places is manhood in to it and tell the croc to close his mouth slowly, He then proceeds to smack the croc on the head with a half brick, orders the croc to open his mouth and removes his manhood unscathed!

"Does anyone else want a go" He asks

at that Stephen Gately appears out of a dark corner and says,

"Yes as long as you dont hit me on the head as hard as you did the croc!"

[Hank]

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and b***h.

[Nic Ayre]

A teacher asked her class if there are 10 birds sitting on a wall and one of them is shot, how many are left?

Little Johnny puts his hand up and shouts "none miss".

"No Johnny there are nine left" she replied.

Johnny replied that the sound of the gun would frighten the other birds away.

The answer is 9, but I do like the way you are thinking.

"Can I ask you a question Miss ?" Johnny asked.

"Of course you can", she replied.

"There are three ladies all holding ice creams, one of them is licking her ice cream, one is biting her ice cream and the other one is sucking her ice cream. Which one of them is married?"

"I would think it was the one who is sucking hers", replied the Teacher.

"No Miss, it's the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[JeffC]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

"I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him, give him a fiver.'"

The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."