sweet orange Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I've got a new guard dog to protect the place... but it's useless, it keeps letting any f####r in... Turns out it's a UK BORDER COLLIE Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V 8 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Mc Vities have just brought out a new biscuit range, "Clitoris Creams". They guarantee; "One lick and you'll want to eat the box". (The ginger ones are an acquired taste!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Loudon - Sponsorship Liaison Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Mc Vities have just brought out a new biscuit range, "Clitoris Creams". They guarantee; "One lick and you'll want to eat the box". (The ginger ones are an acquired taste!). You're still alive then! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frag68 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 When I was a boy my mum would send me to the shops with £1 and I would come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 pints of milk, a lump of chees and half a dozen eggs. Cant do this nowadays. Too many security cameras Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nic Ayre Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' The shows bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years. I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders... All I said was, 'Hurry up for f*cks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore. Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your b****y tee ready! Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat slob, I was talking to the cat!' Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read but, bless, look at you having a little go! I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Daniel Radcliffe has revealed that he was "dependent on alcohol" to make it through the final Harry Potter films. That makes two of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built". The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?" The Italian replied; "No." Long live the Euro! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Its been revealed that Fatima Whitbread failed a drugs test after the 1984 olympics. Apparently she couldnt p*ss with a hard on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nic Ayre Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 They've set a tough task for tonights bush tucker trial, a kangaroo has to eat one of Fatima Whitbreads testicles... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 This is a story about a Fly, a Fish, a Bear, a Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.' There was a fish in the water thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.' There was a bear on the shore thinking, 'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab the fish!!' It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich... 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will show himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.' Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank,but I can tell you there's more... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly... And that bear grabs for that fish... The dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his cheese sandwich.' A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time) 'Gosh....if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear grabs for that fish And that hunter shoots that bear... And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... Then I can have mouse for lunch.' The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. NOW, The Moral Of The Story... Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some nunney's gonna be in serious danger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris7273 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 not a joke, it's real : Fresh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davidgh Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Fresh Yyyyyrrrrchh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 FOR THOSE WHO SAY NOTHING LASTS FOREVER !!!! TRY PLAYING WITH USELF OVER FATIMA WHITBREAD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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