Dibby Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted November 4, 2011 Author Share Posted November 4, 2011 as usual I missed out on making my fortune again, I invented something like that when I was a teenager Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his first day at school.So I punched him in the face and stole his dinner money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Apparently the flooding in Thailand is really bad. BBC just interviewed a local girl, she said the water level was up to her balls.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 FATIMA WHITBREAD goes to the doctors " what seems to be the problem Fatima " she opens her blouse and says it's these hairs on my breasts they look awful " doctor replies how far do they go down Fatima she replies " ALL THE WAY TO MY b*****ks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 A furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nic Ayre Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Boobs vs. Willies A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many Kinds of boobs are there?' The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'. 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater! I went up to her and said "Excuse me love, about your T-shirt slogan." She stopped me and angrily said "Oh let me guess, you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well I can't help my size you know!" I said "Actually no, I wasn't going to say that at all." She looked happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?." "That's not how you spell Manatee." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 A young lad knocked on the door last night and said "Trick or Treat?" I said "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in normal clothes" He said "Well it's not a full moon yet is it, d*ckhead?" Tw*t Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet orange Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Jacko's Doctor has made the prison boxing team allready..... Apparently he's got a leathal jab! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I was stopped by a policeman the other day. He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied He said, "There is no traffic." I answered, "That's how far behind I am." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikef Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm b****y starving." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Last week my wife caught me in bed with Fatima Whitbread. "It's not what it looks like," I pleaded. "Well, what is it then?" she asked with a puzzled look on her face. "A woman," I replied. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground." "And Zen what 'appened?" "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'I'm - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "And Zen what 'appened?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp." "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." "What 'appened zen?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'" "Sacre Bleu, Mon ami. And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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