JeffC Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Sean Connery Was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, And bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun. So they went back to her place and got comfortable After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand'. Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'. He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......' 'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem Hun. Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand And yer Willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?' Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, But the last time I shlept with a scouser, The b***h stole ma wallet !' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted October 8, 2011 Share Posted October 8, 2011 Oh Yes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melt Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petro Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 An American trucker was hauling an artic load of computers through the southern states. decides to stop and get some refreshment at a roadside diner. as he walks through the door he is confronted by the owner brandishing a gun. "you a computer nerd son" "No" say the driver "Why" "Well the town has decided there are to many computer nerds around and they have got an amnesty on shooting them on sight." "No I'm just hauling them I don't even know how to switch one on" The driver has a meal and then resumes his journey, he has not been travelling long when a car pulls passed swerves in front of the truck and brings it to a halt. With that the area is suddenly awash with computer nerds running towards the truck. Remembering what the diner owner had said the driver pulls a shotgun from the back of the cab and starts popping them off. Suddenly a cop car pulls up to restore a bit more order and disperce the computer nerds. The officer then asks the driver what he thought he was doing and the driver explains what the diner owner had told him. The officer said "Well thats true son, but your not allowed to bait em" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 The BBC say that Colonel Gadaffi was found with his legs hanging out of a smelly big hole shouting for mercy. A spokesman for Katie Price said she has never even been to Libya!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ljsanders Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Finally, after decades of torture and oppression, one of the world's most disgusting and horrifying regimes has come to an end. The people of the world can once again sleep soundly in their beds. Westlife have split up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephenh Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 Did you hear about the time XI 129 posted on a technical question on the boardroom, and Nikpro replied: Thanks very much, thats really interesting, I'll bear that in mind! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman Posted October 21, 2011 Share Posted October 21, 2011 You may laugh but I remember it happened! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Mr Muscle - "Loves the jobs you hate". What a load of b*****ks.....I bought a bottle last week and it still hasn't shagged the wife! Jimmy Saville goes into a faulty time machine... Now...then Now...then Now...then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Colonial Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Alton Towers - 'Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I sh*t the bed. What's healthy about that? What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!'. The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liam Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now .... I have a £300,000 home, a £35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rednick Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 just bought myself a shire horse. as if the other one wasn`t shy enough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ......."Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now .... I have a £300,000 home, a £35,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, and ... I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk. What does Mr. Miyagi do to relax? Wax off An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rednick Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 went to the docs with a hearing problem. Doc said describe the symptoms to me. I replied. well Homer is fat with no hair , and Marge is yellow with big blue hair! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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