Gadget Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 An American fighter plane was flying over Libya when the pilot noticed a flying carpet on each side of the plane sporting machine guns. He took evasive action and shot down both of them only to find out later they were . . . . . . . Allied Carpets Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gadget Posted April 1, 2011 Share Posted April 1, 2011 Medical distinction between Guts and Balls There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Text I received.... "Hello this is Rupert Murdoch texting to apologise about hacking into your mobile....but the staff at the News of the World did enjoy your sexist, racist and homophobic jokes....." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I couldn't find the ******' thingy that peels the carrots and potatos, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.... Apparently she left me yesterday...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Colonial Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 A woman is eating in a restaurant when the waiter asks, "Excuse me madam, can I smell your nunney?" The woman angrily replies, "Of course you can't!". "Oh, I'm sorry," the waiter replies, "it must be your feet." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rednick Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 did you hear the one about the magic tractor?..............it turned into a field! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rednick Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 me and my recliner............................we go way back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 what did the fridge say to the freezer? I'm just chilling Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Pulled a girl in the pub last night. I said to her..."You remind me of my little toe..." She said... "Why, 'cos I'm little and cute?" I said.... "Nope, 'cos I reckon I 'll be banging you on the coffee table later tonight...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rednick Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 "and what will the lovely lady be having?"asked the waiter ,whilst my wife was in the toilet. "i don`t know" i replied. "probably a s**t!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rednick Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 My wife confronted me this morning about some missing underwear.............................i almost s**t her knickers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 15 metres above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude drifting with the wind at about 0.5 metres per second on a heading of 036 degrees." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The man below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris.B Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 I suffer terribly from Kleptomania. When it gets really bad I have to take something. (K.Dodd) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 All England games will be moved to the gay adult channel next week as the screening of 11 a********s being hammered for 90 minutes is considered too explicit for SKY Sports! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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