jerryhzx12 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 2 old ladies watching TV - one says "I see butter is going up" the other says "are we watching the shopping channel" "No...Last Tango in Paris" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norman Verona Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Two nuns pass each other in the convent. "Where's the soap Sister Mary?" "yes it does sister Agnes" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V8grunt Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Two nuns pass each other in the convent. "Where's the soap Sister Mary?" "yes it does sister Agnes" That's the same 2 who got thrown out of the convent for doing press up's in the cucumber patch! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerryhzx12 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Two nuns ridning their bicycles down a cobbled road......"do you often come this way?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V8grunt Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Same 2 nuns where asked to go shopping by the mother superior, "Don't go thru the woods as there's a gang of bikers who rape anything" she said, On route they decide to take a short cut thru the woods and both get gang raped! "What will the mother superior say when we get back and tell her we've been gang raped twice!" says one nun to the other! "What do you mean twice" "Where going back that way aren't we" she says! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V8grunt Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Anyway, both nuns get back to the convent and go and tell the mother superior of there experience! Walking over to the fruit bowl she takes out 2 large lemons and cuts them in to pieces and tells the 2 nuns to suck on the lemons really hard! "Will that stop us from getting pregnant" they asked the mother superior? "No" she replies, "but it will take the stupid grins of your faces"! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerryhzx12 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Nightime in the convent dormitory.... "all right girls, candles out" "Yes sister" ......... Plop ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 I once met a nun who had a few dirty habits Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerryhzx12 Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 You can kiss a nun once, you can kiss a nun twice, but you mustn't get into the habit... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peterg Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!" I replied "but the grand prix is on" She said "Record it and watch it later." You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and the tripod!..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted March 26, 2011 Author Share Posted March 26, 2011 A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Ken and Edna went to the fair and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old and if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna delightedly agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm very impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikef Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father was in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikef Posted March 29, 2011 Share Posted March 29, 2011 A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,then 130 then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,I'll let you go." The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.