cast iron Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 kate middleton has apparently asked the queen for some upfront advice on her forthcoming wedding . the queen replied , "whatever you do , dont ever p**s me off !! an for f**k sakes wear a seat belt " ! ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim_l Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 A man went to his doctor with an unusual problem, he was too clever, had an IQ of 170, and had no friends. The doctor was puzzled, but nevertheless referred the man to a specialist, explaining that the specialist had a machine that could reduce the IQ. The man went to the specialist and after a long consultation they agreed that they would reduce his IQ to 100. A few days later he was in the clinic, the specialist fitted a contraption to his head, plugged it in and pressed the start button. A few minutes later the doctor’s phone went and he stepped outside the room to take the call, it was his wife, angrily threatening him with divorce, accusing him of having an affair, etc. etc. 20 minutes into the call the doctor happened to glance though a window and caught sight of the man with the contraption on his head…s**t! He exclaimed, rushing into the room and hitting the stop button…too late, the man had begun to chant “United” “United” …. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldman Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 And he lost his hair,grew an earing,got a football shirt and didn't give a f**k about his wife and sprogs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pistonbroke Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 And he lost his hair,grew an earing,got a football shirt and didn't give a f**k about his wife and sprogs. and got paid 35 billion squids for being a c*** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted February 4, 2011 Author Share Posted February 4, 2011 A man who hated his mother-in-law got three wishes from a genie. Genie: "Whatever you wish for, your mother-in-law gets DOUBLE." First wish: "I would like one billion pound." Genie: "Ok but mom get's two billion pounds." Second wish: "I would like an island off the coast of Greece." Genie: "OK but mom get's two islands." Third wish: " I would like you to beat me half to death Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nic Ayre Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Subject: Technology After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians". One week later, the Council in Essex , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f *ck all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless." Just makes you b****y proud to be British. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 A gypsy girl is about to get married her mam says " emerald you do no that when your married he will want to put his most prized possession where you wee from " the daughter replies why would he want to put his transit pick up in the sink !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss went into a pub. The landlord says " I can't let you in without a Thai " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Just been on that fantastic 'My Heritage' website and I've found out that my great, great, grandad was half Irish, half Chinese. He was called Pat Noodle A bloke from Barnsley goes in to a jewelers He says can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog? Jeweler replies aye recon i can lad does tha want it eighteen carat The bloke replies Nay tha daft sod I want it chewin a bone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim_l Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a blonde and a brunette in a train carriage. The train passes through a tunnel, it goes dark, and there is the sound of a heavy slap. When they come out of the tunnel, the frenchman has tears in his eyes and a big red mark on his cheek. The Frenchman is thinking... "That English pig has touched up the blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The brunette is thinking "he's touched up the blonde and got a slap for it" The blonde is thinking "he's touched up the brunette and got a slap for his trouble" The Englishman is sitting there thinking... "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French b*****d again". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craig-c Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 Jonathan Ross has been accused of Shoplifting a kitchen Utensil from Tesco's, Ross Says it was a wisk he was prepared to take. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a blonde and a brunette in a train carriage. The train passes through a tunnel, it goes dark, and there is the sound of a heavy slap. When they come out of the tunnel, the frenchman has tears in his eyes and a big red mark on his cheek. The Frenchman is thinking... "That English pig has touched up the blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The brunette is thinking "he's touched up the blonde and got a slap for it" The blonde is thinking "he's touched up the brunette and got a slap for his trouble" The Englishman is sitting there thinking... "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French b*****d again". LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bean Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???" The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you." The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is." The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?" The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?" The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering." The guy says, "Dddo it!" The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!" The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jerryhzx12 Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' >> 'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' Just three questions' said St Peter. >> 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'? >> The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions >> and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' >> So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' >> 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' >> St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. >> 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' >> The Blonde replied, Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, How did you arrive at that figure?' >> 'Easy,'said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' >> St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked >> away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third >> and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' >> The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' >> 'It's Andy.' >> 'Andy??' >> 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. >> This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense >> any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' >> 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' >> And the Blonde entered Heaven...? ... you're singing it now, aren't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asterix Posted February 25, 2011 Share Posted February 25, 2011 An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker in Soho. "How much you charge for da hour?" he asks. "£100," she replies. In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No" she says, puzzled. "I pay you £200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you £300." "No," she says. "I pay you £400." "No," she says. So finally he says, "OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant style." She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?" So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?" The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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