John Loudon - Sponsorship Liaison Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 A mate was feeling suicidal at teh weekend so I pushed him in front of a train - he was chuffed to bits Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet orange Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 A goverment warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, 24 hours supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow ropepetrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.... I looked a right **** on the bus this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet orange Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 My wife just said to me... "look at this, i've had this since we got married 20 years ago, and it still fits me!" ...It was her scarf !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funbobby Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Bobby Brown was found dead last night, the note read simply "Two can play that game" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 What's 6" long and didn't get sucked on Valentine's day? Her crack pipe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cast iron Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Geordie Valentines Verse O’course Ah love ya hinny, Yer a crackin top-notch bord. An’ when ah say ya gorgeous, Ah mean every single word. So ya A*** is on the big side, Ah like a bit of flab, It means that when a'm ready There's somethin there to grab. So yer belly isn't flat nee mair, Whey hell ah divvint care, So long as when ah cuddle ye Ah can get my arms roond there. No lassie who is your age has nice roond perky breasts, They just gave inta gravity, But ah know ye did yer best. I'm tellin' ye the truth now, Ah never tell ye lies, Ah think theyr'e very sexy Them dimples on yer thighs. Ah swear upon me nanna's grave , The moment that we met, Ah thought ye was as good as Ah was ivver ganna get, Nee matter what ye look like, Ah'll always love ye dear. Now shut up while the Toon's on And fetch another beer XXX. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikef Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in. Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds" Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jack: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do..." Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frag68 Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I was driving past a field today when I saw a scarecrow playing with himself. I though poor sod, he's obviously clutching at straws Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikef Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!! Law of Bio-Mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Frank Carson walks through the Pearly Gates. The first person he sees is Whitney Houston..... Frank exclaims... "It's a crack-ho'..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Eastwood (Gadgetman) - Club Chairman Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Frank Carson walks through the Pearly Gates. The first person he sees is Whitney Houston..... Frank exclaims... "It's a crack-ho'..." Should I feel dirty for not just laughing, but reading it out loud and doing the voice... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tonsko Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Chuck Norris was found dead in his hotel room yesterday. But he's alright now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dibby Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Went to a disco last night. When they played "The Locomotion" I did the locomotion. When they played "The Twist" I did the twist. I got thrown out though when they played "Come on Eileen". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tonsko Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Met up with my mate in town the other day. "Now then. How's you? Did you come on the bus?" "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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