RichP Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob' where a small knob is placed on the top of the woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face- lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob'. Over the course of the years the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results, but now I've developed two annoying problems: Firstly, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said "Those aren't bags, they are your breasts". She said. 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.' 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted December 23, 2011 Share Posted December 23, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tonsko Posted December 24, 2011 Share Posted December 24, 2011 I saw this poor old lady slip over on the ice the other day. Well, I think she was poor. She only had £1.20 in her purse. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Anthony Worral Thompson received a police caution for stealing cheese and canapes yesterday..... Apparently that was just for starters..... When his agent was told he'd stolen cheese, he retorted....."How dairy...." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Colonial Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Q: What's the quickest way to turn a fox in to a dog? A: Marry it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted January 16, 2012 Author Share Posted January 16, 2012 LITTLE BOY ARRIVES HOME TO FIND HIS MAM AND DAD HAVING SEX ON THE COUCH ... DAD SAYS DON'T WORRY SON IM JUST FILLING MAM UP WITH PETROL .... SON REPLIES SHE DOES,NT DO MANY MILES TO THE GALLON DOES SHE DAD ............ .............. .............. UNCLE DAVE ONLY FILLED HER UP THIS MORNING Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 A naughty inflatable student is summoned to see the inflatable headmaster of an inflatable school. That drawing pin incident, the headmaster began. Not only have you let yourself down, you've let me down, you've let the whole school down..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rab (bombero) Reid Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 Following the problems in the Eurozone, uncertainty has once again hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Fuji Bank has a mountain to climb if they are to survive this crisis and the statements from the Sudoku bank have been quite puzzling. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. No joke to add guys but this one has all the classic hallmarks of a Two Ronnies (news report) sketch - absolutely brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said, "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court." I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and now it's all kicked off here! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted February 10, 2012 Author Share Posted February 10, 2012 cliff Richard was in china when a fan came up shouting, Criff Criff im your biggest fan, me ruv ur songs, my favourite is itchy sore fanny , a bit shocked Cliff says he never sang such a song, yes you have Criff, it goes, itchy sore fanny how we dont talk anymore Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frag68 Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 A bloke was stopped by police a 1.30 am for drunk driving. When asked where he was going, he replied " to a lecture about alcohol abuse, it effects on relationships and the human body". The copper asked " who is giving a lecture at that time of night?" The bloke replied, "The missus". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
echoz Posted February 10, 2012 Share Posted February 10, 2012 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peterg Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 Q: What's the difference between an egg and a good w*nk? A: You can beat an egg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 My gay mate, (not you, the other one!), who is dyslexic, couldn't wait for February 14th. He thinks it's Vaseline day..... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lippydave Posted February 14, 2012 Share Posted February 14, 2012 What's pink, 6 inches long and won't get sucked on Valentines Day? Whitney Houston's crack pipe....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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