JeffC Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I will start with... A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carpetstu Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 A guy breaks down in the middle of no-where with steam pouring out of the bonnet. He has pulled into the entrance to a gated field to ensure he's not obstructing the narrow lane. With his head under the bonnet he hears a voice, who says, it will be you fan belt mate. On looking around the only thing he can see is a large brown horse. At this point the horse restates the same comment, and advises him to use his tie to wrap around the pulley'. Then refil the radiator from the stream running along side the road. This will get him into the village at the bottom of the lane, where he will find the local garage that carries all sorts of spare parts. Although bemused at being given car advise from a horse he does as he is told. Thanking the horse he goes to the village and finds the local garage. He pulls in and tells the garage owner all about the horse and the advice he was given. The garage owner asks if it was the top field with the brown horse. The driver confirms this. The garage owner says he was lucky and it was fortunate it wasn't the bottom field with the grey horse. The driver was surprised that the garage owner wasn't shocked to hear about a talking horse and asks why the grey horse was a problem. The garage owner replied, that's because the grey horse knows F**k all about cars. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asterix Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I drove past the cemetery the other day and saw 6 pall bearers carrying a coffin. Much later on, I passed by again, only to see the same 6 pall bearers carrying the very same coffin, but in the opposite direction. I reckon they'd lost the plot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Buzz Billsberry Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Lionel Ritchie has opened a butchers in a muslim area of Wolverhampton. Its called ...Halal is it meat your looking for?? Buzz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_m Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a couple of godless prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips.' The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too, I didn't know we had that choice.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_m Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where." The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!" Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!" She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!" She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!" The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve_m Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 A family are driving behind a rubbish truck when a d***o flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dangler like that." ps. All above pinched from PH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 A family are driving behind a rubbish truck when a d***o flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dangler like that." ps. All above pinched from PH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man On The Clapham Omnibus Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Paddy was in the shower and he wanted to wash his hair so he asked Mick if he had any shampoo he could use. Mick said "Yes there's a bottle on the shelf in the shower" "I can see that" said Paddy, "But that says for dry hair and I've just frigging wet mine!" Apologies to those of an Hibernian persuasion - try changing the names to the ethnic group of your choice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichP Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. 'R hey lad' they say 'gissa lift'. The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. 'I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichP Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 A man and his wife were awakened at 3 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichP Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinki n g buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichP Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of them dayvorces." The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres" The lawyer said, "No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit? The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere. The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere" The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?" The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30." By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichP Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick, Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ........ You got nice house." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RichP Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?". The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.. "I think my missus caught a glimpse...." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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