Tom Frankland (T3OMF) Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Frankland (T3OMF) Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself "How can anyone stoop so low?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Frankland (T3OMF) Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Just heard on the news that the toilet at my local police station has been stolen. Seems the cops have nothing to go on! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stu Faulkner Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 A phychic dwarf has escaped from prison. The police have reported a small medium at large. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bhouse Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 While I was at my daughter's yesterday I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "Come on, Dad, newspapers are sooo last century. Here, have my iPad" she said. So I took it. That fly never knew what hit it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue ass fly Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 When I got home today my girlfriend had her two friends there. "Here he is" she said, "We were just talking about having a foursome, if you're up to it?" she smiled & winked. Two minutes later, I appeared naked with my willy in my hand. They had tennis rackets in theirs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkymart Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Just got a man United sledge on eBay apparently it goes down hill very fast...... I'll get my coat.... ;-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue ass fly Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Went for a routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my Backside. Do you think I should change dentists? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mooch Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 A man joins the Royal Navy and is shipped out immediately to a destroyer in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The captain is showing the newbie around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns."Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday.""Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Man On The Clapham Omnibus Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 A young rating was leaning out of the porthole throwing up when an old sea salt came up behind him and 'serviced' his rear end. "OUCH!" cried the young sailor, "What the hell was that?" "Don't worry son" said the old salt, "It was only the roll of the ship!" "Well", moaned the boy, "It felt like a roll of f****g lino!" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geoffrey Carter (Buttercup) Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 My mother lived in Portsmouth. My father was some sailors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue ass fly Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 How dyou turn a fox into a pig ? Marry it 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mooch Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realised that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “business, I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of Australia Convention in Brisbane." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are they?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina are the Australians. Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Cobber". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CraigHew Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Mick and Paddy walking along a street, they stop beside a large flagpole. BeJeezus Paddy, I wonder how tall that flagpost is? I don't know Mick, says Paddy, but it looks mighty high.Just then an mechanic pulls up in his van and learning of the guy's dilema whips out a spanner, loostens the four nuts at the base of the flagpole, lies the flagpole down and runs his tape measure along it.... Just a minute laddie says Mick, Just because we're Irish do you think we're stupid?We want to know how TALL it is, not how f**king long it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue ass fly Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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