Matt Seabrook Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 Only this morning i was ******* (making love )to the wife It's O.K Matt she was asleep at the time Quote
Buzz Billsberry Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first. WELL THEY NEED TO BE WHO WANTS TO COME HOME TO A DIRTY HOUSE AND DIRTY CLOTHES WITH NO BEER AND FOOD IN THE FRIDGE AFTER YOU'VE BIN OUT SWIMMING ALL DAY! 2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay. I THOUGHT ALL WOMEN WERE STEALTH LESBOS.IF I WERE A WOMEN I'D BE A LES COS I LOVE WOMEN 3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. WELL I CAN COS I PICTURE ME HAVNG SEX WITH THEM 4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl. U WANNA GO LOOK IN THE WOMENS TOILETS IN ANY NITE CLUB! 5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected. I THOUGHT THAT WAS WHAT MARRIAGE WAS ALL ABOUT/ THATS WHY WOMEN INVENTED D.I.V.O.R.C.E, SOLICITORS AND THAT FAMOUS DANCING ROUND HANDBAGS SONGS "I WILL SERVIVE" 6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time. YEP THE ABILITY TO TALK AND BREATH IS AMAZING 7. Women live longer than men. THATS BECAUSE WE WORK VERY,VERY HARD 8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes. I FIND A LOAD OF ALCOHOL WORKS FOR ME WITH SPOTTY UGLY WOMEN 9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice. WHY? 10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all). WHO WANTS TO BE LIKE SMELLY CHEESE? 11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems. YEP I'VE SEEN THOSE 'CHOCOLATES' IN SHOPS IN AMSTERDAM 12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers. NIETHER DO MEN. JUST CALL 'EM ALL PUFFS(OR SOUTHERNERS) AND GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH # 13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. I DON'T WHERE SHOES IN BED 14. Women know the truth about whether size matters... THATS TRUE I DON'T LIKE BIG LESBOS EITHER! 15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time. TYPICAL 16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know. THE 5 OCLOCK HANK MARVIN(SHADOW) GIVES THAT ONE AWAY 17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football. THAT MUST BE AWFUL I'M STRUGGLING WITH UNDER A MINUTE 18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. JUST GOES TO PROVE THAT WOMEN DON'T HAVE ANY COMPASION OR LOVE IN THEM 19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. HOW SAD 20. Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket. AH BUT ABOVE AND BEYOND THAT THEY DO OWN 'THE nunney' 21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick. WE DO THE SAME WITH WOMEN 22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear. THAT JUST GOES TO PROVE THAT MEN ARE COMFORTABLE WITH THERE OWN SEXUALITY 23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper. NEITHER DO I AS i KEEP IT IN MY SOCK!! 24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute. THATS TRUE COS' THEY DO IT ALL THE TIME & THATS WHY WOMEN WILL NEVER BE IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING IMPORTANT 25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake i NEVER MADE ONE 26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp. IF SHE CRIES SHES USUALLY AFTER SOMETING IF A MAN CRYS HE'S USUALLY GENUINGLY HURT 27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test. CHILDREN? 28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy. THATS TRUE MY MUM USED TO LET ME WEAR HER CLOTHES AND MAKE UP 29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex. WOMEN ARE NEVER COMPLEX JUST MENSTRAL 30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored. THATS WHY MEN ARE BETTER A MULTI-TASKING 31. Women have total control over their eyebrows. WHY WOULD U WANT TO DO THAT?..MUST BE A WOMAN THING 32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men. MEN NEVER GET DRUNK THEY GO STRAIGHT TO BATTERED 33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk. WHY NOT? 34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions. MAKE NO WONDER THEY'RE ALWAYS LOST WHEN THEIR ON THEIR OWN 35. Women aren't covered with hair like ******* carpeting. NEVER SHAGGED A CARPET 36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do. NEITHER WOULD I. MORE BUDGET FOR THE WESTY AND THE LADS NITE OUT 37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe. AGAIN SO WHAT? 38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want. BACK TO THE CRYING AGAIN 40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week IMPOSSIBLE buzz rite off to the pub TTFN Quote
Jed Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 39. Women can't count... Nice one Blatters. I never spotted it so I must be a woman...... or just drunk. Quote
Boomy Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 1. When a ship sinks, women (and children) get off first. ONLY WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY THE MEN GET TO HAVE A GOOD LAUGH ON SUCH A CRUISE 2. A woman can hug her best friend without worrying she'll think she's gay. MEN HUG, BUT NOT FOR THE SAME REASONS AS WOMEN WHO WILL DO SO JUST BECAUSE SOMEONES HAIR CUT LOOKS NICE ETC 3. Women can talk to attractive members of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IMMAGINATION. 4. A woman can never be blamed if it's wet on the floor around the toilet bowl. TRUE, BUT THEY STILL CLEAN IT UP. 5. If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it's because she was being emotionally neglected. WOMEN WILL THINK THAT, IT'S A DEFENSE MECHANISM, MEN KNOW SIMPLY THAT HUBBY DOESN'T CARE AS HE IS BEDDING THE BETTER LOOKING SISTER 6. Women are capable of doing at least two different things to a passable standard at the same time. YES, THEY CAN NAG AND WATCH TRISHA 7. Women live longer than men. BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH AT 75, THE BODY CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH ABUSE BEFORE IT GIVES UP 8. Women know how to cover up spots and other facial blemishes. AGREED, HENCE THE INCREASE IN POLYFILLER SALES 9. If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice. YES, SHE WILL NOTICE THE PHONE HAS STOPPED RINGING 40 TIMES A DAY. 10. Women mature earlier than men (some men never mature at all). MATURE, LATIN FOR 'BECOME BORING' 11. There are times when chocolate is really the answer to all woman's problems. IT'S THE ANSWER TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS ASWELL, GET DRUNK AND COME HOME AT 3.00 AM WITH ANOTHER GIRL, SIMPLY BUY THE WIFE SOME CHOCOLATE AND ALL IS WELL AGAIN.SIMPLE MINDED CREATURES : p 12. Women don't feel uncomfortable with gay waiters or hairdressers. UNLESS THEY HAVE NICER HAIR, BETTER CLOTHES OR ARE THINNER WITH NO HIPS. 13. A woman can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. SO CAN MEN, ONLY THE OTHER DAY I GUESSED A GUY WAS A CLOWN AND WAS CORRECT. 14. Women know the truth about whether size matters... WALLETS MOSTLY. 15. A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time. BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS WHEN YOU HAVE WASTED 10 MINUTES ALREADY TRYING TO FIND FIRST. 16. If a woman forgets to shave, no-one has to know. UNTIL A PASSER BY STRIKES A SWAN VESTA OFF YOUR LEG 17. Women are capable of going longer than five minutes without thinking about either sex or football. BECAUSE THEY ARE SOLEY CONCENTRATING ON BREATHING AND NAGGING 18. Women never lust after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. BUT THEY WISH THEY LOOKED LIKE THEM. 19. Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. AT LEAST WE DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO THROW PANTS ONTO THE STAGE.AND ANYWAY, STALKING JUST MEANS YOU ARE BORED OF THE NAGGING AT HOME. 20.Women can cry and get off a speeding ticket. KIND OF RULES OUT POINT NUMBER 15 THEN.NO WONDER WE CAN'T WORK YOU OUT. 21. A woman can get a whole new lease on life just by changing her lipstick. A MAN GETS A WHOLE NEW LEASE OF LIFE BY HAVING SOME ON HIS COLLAR, SIMILAR KIND OF THING I GUESS. 22. A woman can congratulate her team-mate without ever touching her rear. NOT SURE WHY, THERE IS NORMALY PLENTY TO GO ROUND. 23. Women don't have to worry about catching anything important in their zipper. THEY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT. 24. If a woman says something stupid, most men will just think she's cute. AWWWWW, YOU ARE SO CUTE! ; p 25. Women can admit to others when they've made a mistake MUST GET BORING THOUGH HAVING TO KEEP DOING THAT OVER AND OVER SURELY? 26. If a woman cries, she's sensitive; if a man cries, he's a wimp. ONLY WOMEN THINK THE GUY IS A WIMP OR OTHER WOMAN ARE SENSITIVE.GUYS JUST ASSUME THE POOR SOBBING FELLOWS TEAM GOT KNOCKED OUT OF A CUP OR HE FOUND OUT KYLIE IS CHUCKING IT ALL IN.THE WOMAN THEY JUST THINK HAS BEEN CHOPPING ONIONS. 27. Women know who their children are without having a DNA test. ..SAID TRISHA. 28. It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mummy's boy. IN BOTH CASES USUALLY IT'S THE WOMANS FAULT THE SITUATION GOT TO BE THAT WAY. 29. Women can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a short woman's complex. BUT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS CRASHING A CAR DUE TO FOOTWEAR THOUGH.ALTERNATIVELY TRIM THOSE CALF MUSCLES, NO NEED FOR SHOES THEN. 30. Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored. THE SHOPPING ONE. 31. Women have total control over their eyebrows. NICE TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL SOMETHING I GUESS. 32. Women can get drunk quicker and cheaper than men. RESULT FOR MEN. 33. A woman's friend won't try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she's drunk. UNLESS SHE GETS DRUNK EASILY AND QUICKLY OF COURSE. 34. A woman won't drive to Hell and back before she asks for directions. REMOVE "TO HELL AND BACK BEFORE SHE ASKS DIRECTIONS" AND THAT IS SPOT ON. 35. Women aren't covered with hair like ******* carpeting. SEE POINT 16. 36. Woman don't feel threatened if their partner earns more than they do. BUT WILL THREATEN TO WALK IF THEY DONT. 37. For women, a new season means a whole new wardrobe. FOR MEN IT MEANS PUTTING SAID WARDROBE TOGETHER BECAUSE IT HAS MAYBE 2 OR 3 MOVING PARTS. 38. Women know exactly what buttons to push to get exactly what they want. CHOCOLATE ONES I ASSUME? 40. Women can keep pot plants alive for more than a week MEN BUY PLASTIC ONES AND KEEP THEM ALIVE FOR LIFE. All a bit of fun i may add, my woman is great btw Quote
Boomy Posted September 11, 2005 Posted September 11, 2005 I have contatced the year 2003 and it asked for those pictures to be returned please Quote
Blatman Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 ps from my observations i aso think your a great big shirt lifter Yawn yawn... Is that the best you can do? Quote
rossi Posted September 12, 2005 Author Posted September 12, 2005 nah, i can do a lot worse but ill save myself getting kicked off the board and send you a pm Quote
chrisbin Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 *settles into armchair...* *is it too early for a beer....* Quote
Mrs Westy Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 you always have to be a smartarse dont ya, i think its safe to say i think your a complete nob I thought it was quite funny. Surely you've worked out by now that you'll get as good as you give round these parts Shift yerself up on that sofa, Chrisbin, and pass me a nice glass of wine would you? Quote
chrisbin Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 Shift yerself up on that sofa, Chrisbin, and pass me a nice glass of wine would you? *....thought there was enough space for you there MrsW.....sorry... * *Sorry, the white isn't really chilled yet.....but there's a nice Rioja here.......* Quote
steve_m Posted September 12, 2005 Posted September 12, 2005 I look forward to it Get anything ? Quote
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