rossi Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover ================================ What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week ================================ What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends ================================ What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends ================================ What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend ================================ What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet. Quote
rossi Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 A woman stands naked in front of a mirror and says to her husband who is laying dozing on the bed. 'I look horrible. I look fat and ugly. My boobs look saggy, all my cellulite makes my thighs look awful. Pay me a compliment' The bloke says ' Your eyesight is perfect' Quote
rossi Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 What if companies started making condoms but kept their taglines?? Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better Tesco Condoms - every little helps Nike Condoms - Just do it Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough Coco Cola Condoms - The real thing Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride, go wide" oops, i said a naughty word! Condoms - no comment required Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain? Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work. Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very, very long Renault Condoms - size really does matter! Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin Ronseal quick-drying condoms - it's dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim!! Heineken Condoms - reaches parts that other condom just cannot reach Carlsburg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world Mars Condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service Pepperami Condoms - it's a bit of an animal Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller!! Quote
rossi Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Three ducks walked into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?" The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." Quote
Blatman Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Any chance of some original jokes that haven't been on the Internet since God was a boy? I'd be ever so grateful... Quote
rossi Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 so awfully sorry for trying to take the heat off the sensitive jokes, ill just be off to boil my head then eh? Quote
pistonbroke Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 so awfully sorry for trying to take the heat off the sensitive jokes, ill just be off to boil my head then eh? seen it Quote
pistonbroke Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Any chance of some original jokes that haven't been on the Internet since God was a boy? I'd be ever so grateful... About the same chance as Ian Paisley being elected Pope Quote
alan dixon Posted July 31, 2005 Posted July 31, 2005 Any chance of some original jokes that haven't been on the Internet since God was a boy? I'd be ever so grateful... About the same chance as Ian Paisley being elected Pope The oldest "confirmed" joke in the world is actually a riddle: Question - What animal walks on 4 feet in the morning, 2 at noon and 3 at evening? Answer - Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man, and uses a cane in old age. Quote
pistonbroke Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 The only advantage of a having a lousy memory Every joke you hear is new Quote
Peter Cox Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 The only advantage of a having a lousy memory Every joke you hear is new Sorry, but that's not the only advantage of having a lousy memory. Now, what were those others...? Quote
chrisbin Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 Sorry, but that's not the only advantage of having a lousy memory. Now, what were those others...? Quote
pistonbroke Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 The only advantage of a having a lousy memory Every joke you hear is new Sorry, but that's not the only advantage of having a lousy memory. Now, what were those others...? definition of lousy memory ............ I just stopped halfway up the stairs Now I cant remember if I was on my way up or on my way down Quote
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