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Posted

What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

================================

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

================================

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

================================

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

================================

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

================================

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

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Posted

A woman stands naked in front of a mirror and says to her husband who is laying dozing on the bed.

'I look horrible. I look fat and ugly. My boobs look saggy, all my cellulite makes my thighs look awful. Pay me a compliment'

The bloke says ' Your eyesight is perfect'

Posted

What if companies started making condoms but kept their taglines??

Sainsbury condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load

Abbey National Condoms - because life is complicated enough

Coco Cola Condoms - The real thing

Ever Ready Condoms - keep going and going

Pringles Condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger King Condoms - Home of the Whopper

Goodyear Condoms - "for a longer ride, go wide"

oops, i said a naughty word! Condoms - no comment required

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain?

Flash Condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work.

Royal Mail Condoms - I saw this and thought of you

Andrex Condoms - Soft, strong and very, very long

Renault Condoms - size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms - it's dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos Condoms - gets right under the rim!!

Heineken Condoms - reaches parts that other condom just cannot reach

Carlsburg Condoms - probably the best condom in the world

Mars Condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami Condoms - it's a bit of an animal

Polo Condoms - the condom with the hole!! (VERY poor seller!!;)

Posted

Three ducks walked into a bar.

 

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the

first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of

puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said

Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to

the second duck, "Hi,

and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and

out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck

want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,

you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is

Puddles."

Posted

Any chance of some original jokes that haven't been on the Internet since God was a boy?

I'd be ever so grateful... :bangshead:

Posted
so awfully sorry for trying to take the heat off the sensitive jokes, ill just be off to boil my head then eh?
Posted
Posted
so awfully sorry for trying to take the heat off the sensitive jokes, ill just be off to boil my head then eh?

seen it  :)

Posted
Any chance of some original jokes that haven't been on the Internet since God was a boy?

I'd be ever so grateful... :bangshead:

About the same chance as Ian Paisley being elected Pope  :)

Posted
Any chance of some original jokes that haven't been on the Internet since God was a boy?

I'd be ever so grateful... :bangshead:

About the same chance as Ian Paisley being elected Pope  :)

The oldest "confirmed" joke in the world is actually a riddle:

Question - What animal walks on 4 feet in the morning, 2 at noon and 3 at evening?

Answer - Man.  He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man, and uses a cane in old age.

Posted

The only advantage of a having a lousy memory

Every joke you hear is new :t-up:

Posted
The only advantage of a having a lousy memory

Every joke you hear is new :t-up:

Sorry, but that's not the only advantage of having a lousy memory. Now, what were those others...?

Posted
Sorry, but that's not the only advantage of having a lousy memory. Now, what were those others...?

:D  :D

Posted
The only advantage of a having a lousy memory

Every joke you hear is new :t-up:

Sorry, but that's not the only advantage of having a lousy memory. Now, what were those others...?

definition of lousy memory ............

I just stopped halfway up the stairs

Now I cant remember if I was on my way up or on my way down  :sheep:

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