Thor, God of Thunder Posted May 19, 2003 Share Posted May 19, 2003 ……a man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a pint of Stella. As he sipped the beer and nibbled on the bar snacks, he hears a soothing voice say, "mmmm, nice tie!" Looking around he sees the place is empty except for himself and the bartender at the far end of the bar. A few sips later the soothing voice said, "mmmm, beautiful shirt." ……a little worried, the man decides to play the slot machine. As he puts a coin in the bandit a harsh voice shouts, "YOU UGLY nunney." Looking about there's still no one around. A couple of seconds later the harsh voice barks, "FECK OFF YOU ******" ……at this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he said to the barkeep, "I keep hearing these voices, one saying nice things, and one being really offensive, and there's not a soul in here but us." ……"Ah" answered the bartender, "the peanuts ...they're complimentary, but the bandit's out of order." ...........hat, coat and taxi, please. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westfields Rock On Posted May 19, 2003 Share Posted May 19, 2003 heres yer coat and yer hat, ABC taxis will be here in 5 minutes. Feck off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilwillis Posted May 19, 2003 Share Posted May 19, 2003 No self respecting imbiber of Stella would get involed in a joke as bad as that - HE MADE IT UP!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RICHARD+PHILIP Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 A man walked into a Bar and said...... OUCH!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mogwi Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 A man walked into a bar, ordered a pint of bitter and drank it down in one. He then walked up the wall, across the ceiling, down the opposite wall and out the door. A second man, sat at the bar, said to the landlord "did you see that?". "Yes" replies the land lord. "He did'nt pay for it" That's the worst one I can think of, curtesy of Mandeville JMI school, 3rd year juniors 1971. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thor, God of Thunder Posted May 20, 2003 Author Share Posted May 20, 2003 ……a man walks into a bar, sits down, pulls a little head out of his pocket and sets it down on the counter. "I'd like two beers: one for me, one for this head here," he tells the bartender. Confused, the bartender pours two drinks and sets them in front of the man. The man grabs a straw, puts it up to the head, and as the head slurps down the drink, it instantly grows a torso. The bartender and the man are both stunned. "Wonder what'll happen if we give 'im another?" says the bartender. The man shrugs. "Let's find out!" So the bartender pours the head another beer: it slurps down the beer again, and instantly it grows little arms and little legs. Even more astonished, the bartender and the man look at each other, thinking, "What if we give 'im another?" The bartender pours the little head a third beer: it slurps it down once more and instantly disappears. Bewildered the man said, "Well, guess he should have quit while he was ahead." ......................TAXI Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Westfields Rock On Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 i'll help you there............ TAXI!!!, TAXI!!!!!!, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TAXI!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megablade Paul Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 Paul McCartney has just bought a plane for Heather Mills.......and for the other leg a Phillips Lady Shave I'm staying, leave the coat alone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thor, God of Thunder Posted May 21, 2003 Author Share Posted May 21, 2003 A tiny gay man walks into a bar and sits beside a burly Irishman. After a few beers, the tiny gay guy whispers, “Do you want a blow job?” The gigantic Irish man flips out, roars in anger, and tosses the little guy out of the bar, then returns to his stool. The shocked bartender says, “I’ve never seen you react like that. What did that guy say?” “Dunno. Something about a job .........quick my coat, the taxi's here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve wilson Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 A german guy tells a prostitute:"I vish to buy zex mit you." "Ok" she says. "Its £50/hr." "Is goot, but i must varn you, im a little kinky!" "No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky." They go to the girls flat, where the kraut gets out four large bed springs and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs," he tells her. The girl finds this odd,but complies,fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now get on your hands und knees," he says. She does as he says,balancing on the springs and the kraut tells her: "You vill please blow zis duck-caller as i sxxx you." She finds this odd too,but figures its harmless and the guy is paying for it anyway,so she agrees. The sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the kraut, all the time blowing the duck-caller. The climax is the most sensational shes ever had and its several minutes before she gets her breath back enough to say: "That was great,what do you call it?" The kinky kraut turns to her and says: "Four-sprung duck technique!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mogwi Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Sod your coat get out ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Stanton Posted May 21, 2003 Share Posted May 21, 2003 Mogwi - I once saw the Ian Gillan Band at Birmingham Odeon about 1979 / 80 top night and he had a lot more hair then Mind you, so did I Gotta say he looks like a chubby Stevie Winwood on you avatar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisbin Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 Mogwi - I once saw the Ian Gillan Band at Birmingham Odeon about 1979 / 80 top night and he had a lot more hair then Mind you, so did I Gotta say he looks like a chubby Stevie Winwood on you avatar I thought it was El Tell..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stu999 Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 A man walks into a bar. "A double whisky before the trouble starts" A little perplexed, the barman does as he is asked. The man downs the drink in one. "Better have another double, before the trouble starts". The barman serves the drink, and again, the man downs it in one. "Any chance of another, before the trouble starts" asks the man. "Hang on" says the barman. "I need to know something first. What trouble are you expecting?" "I havent got any money" says the man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phssthpok Posted May 22, 2003 Share Posted May 22, 2003 .....A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. Amazed, the bartender says, “Hey, you can talk!” “Sure, pal,” says the duck. “Now can I get that drink?” Shaking his head, the barkeep serves the duck a pint and asks him what he’s doing in the area. “I work on the building site across the street,” says the duck. “You should join the circus,” says the barkeep. “You could make a mint.” “The circus?” the duck replies. “What the fu*k would the circus want with a bricklayer?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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