christmas crackers

[pistonbroke]

For starters

 

 

Q. Why does Santa like Pizza ?

 

 

 

A.  Cos there deep pan crisp and even !

[Norman Verona]

OK, you asked for it.

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

 

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Sandy Claws.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

 

 

There's a lot more if you can cope.

[pistonbroke]

enough , enough , we surrender !

[AidanPlace]

Norman, I think you kept all the jokes from last year!!!!

[Norman Verona]

No, just found them on the web.  

[pistonbroke]

 

No, just found them on the web.  

Get some crackers bought like the rest of us ya tight wedge .

merry xmas

[Norman Verona]

Actually, I'm not sure they have Christmas Crackers over here. They may do but I've never seen them.

[Doug Dastardly]

One of my friends has inlaws that insist on reading out the jokes in crackers.....his evil genius plan was to carefully open up all the crackers and replace every joke with a mother in  law one.    

[pistonbroke]

Cue ma in law joke

*****************

TWO cannibals eating lunch.

One says to other: “You know, I just can’t stand my mother-in-law.”

The other replies: “Just put her to the side and eat the mash.”

[pistonbroke]

Food for thought

******************

Woman Hitler anogramme of 'Mother in Law'

[AidanPlace]

We had some "racing Sprouts" crackers this year. each one had a wind up walking sprout inside and we raced them up the dining table - good steam