Military Humour

[echoz]

Really can't stand this song, but this video made me chuckle

http://www.military.com/video/forces/humor/call-me-maybe-troops-vs-cheerleaders/1964153798001/

[ajpearson]

Must say I prefer the Miami Dolphins personally.

[User0083]

I do love these... i get them all the time, this is one of the best i've seen... i might start watching MTV now though! mmmm

[pistonbroke]

sorry couldn't stand the noise for more than 10 secs , did i miss much ?

[mikef]

UNDERSTANDING ARMY RANKS

General Leaps tall buildings in a single bound

Is more powerful than a locomotive

Is faster than a speeding bullet

Walks on water

Gives policy to God.

Brigadier Leaps buildings in a single bound

Is as powerful as a locomotive

Is just as fast as a speeding bullet

Walks on water if the sea is calm

Talks to God.

Colonel Leaps low buildings with a running start

Loses tug-of-war with locomotive

Is faster than a speeding .22 bullet

Walks on water in indoor swimming pools

Talks to God if special request is approved.

Major Makes high scratch marks when trying to leap buildings

Knows where the locomotives are kept

Can fire a speeding bullet

Swims well

Is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain Barely clears Nissen huts

Is run over by a locomotive

Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury

Dog paddles

Talks to animals.

Lieutenant Runs into buildings

Recognises locomotives two out of three times

Is not issued with live ammunition

Can stay afloat with water wings

Talks to walls.

2^nd Lieutenant Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings

Says: “look at the choo-choo”

Is not issued with a gun

Plays in puddles

Mumbles to himself.

The RSM Lifts buildings and walks under them

Kicks locomotives off the tracks

Catches speeding bullets in his teeth

Freezes water with a single glance

HE IS GOD!

[tolf]

Mike

So true!!

[User0083]

Remove RSM and the first three are pretty spot on!

In last post I had 2Lt's talk down to me... Then realised that I was the one instructing them in there next lectures and I would be God to them for 45 mins three times a week.

What about the real soldiers? These are the desk jockey's and pen pushers!

[mikef]

OK - here are the real soldiers...............................

Murphy's Laws of Engagement

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.

5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.

6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:

a. when you're ready for them.

b. when you're not ready for them.

9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

10. If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.

11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

13. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.

14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.

17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.

19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

21. Friendly fire isn't.

22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.

25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.

29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.

31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.

34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.

35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

37. Interchangeable parts aren't.

38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.

40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)

41. The one item you need is always in short supply.

42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.

44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.

48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the GPMG.

50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.

53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

54. Murphy was a grunt.

[GuitarmanUK]

This one always makes me chuckle

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed , "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and punched him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came too, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an ass. So, He sent me."

[Norman Verona]

But which god sent him?

[User0083]

OK - here are the real soldiers...............................

Murphy's Laws of Engagement

Know it well

[Mooch]

HOW THE MILITARY DEALS WITH SNAKES...

1.Infantry. Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.

2.Parachute Regiment. Lands on and kills snake.

3.Armoured Brigade. Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.

4.Cavalry. Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.

5.Royal Marines. Plays with snake, gets !!!!ed with snake, asks snake if it has a sister. Eats snake.

6.Royal Engineers. Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.

7.Artillery. Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up but falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.

8.Gurkhas. Tracks and traps snake. During interrogation learns that snake has better pension. Curries snake.

9.Special Forces. Gets captured by snake causing great embarrassment to C & FO. Gets repatriated home, files massive expenses/compensation claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".

10.Royal Navy. Fires 183 missiles and 3,000 rounds of 4.5” ammunition from 17 ships. Estimates 68% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MOD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.

11.TA. Kills snake by accident on weekend camp with Bill Oddie. Keeps quiet about it.

12.RAF. Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Typhoons, 20 Tornados and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 ft. can't locate snake. Ditch bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.

13.Intelligence Corps. Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.

14.Defence Logistic Organisation. Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at a cost of £9.5 M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute 10-20% cost saving by inclusion of snake meat in tri-service messing. Snake Hosting Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-service steering group. Realises what acronym says, employ consultants at £750,000 to come up with new name and logo. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2009. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriot and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money by efficiency savings, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian armed forces. RAF introduces snakeskin makeup bags for all personnel.

15.Defence Procurement Agency. Decide they want to buy a multi-role combat snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and £3 billion over budget, the project is scrapped and a second-hand COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.

16.Adjutant General. Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.

[Norman Verona]

[mikef]

Mooch - excellent.

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a

survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic

exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down

into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and

cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the

ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5

minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their

trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot

cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear

themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the

woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods

ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar

bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the

charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the

trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers. Walking slowly, hands behind backs

whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is

only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima

Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After

what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous

trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you

five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night

drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other

teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now

covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p***!!??" asks the now seriously irate

trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I'm a f*****g rabbit!"

[pistonbroke]

:d :d