The Funniest Thing To Happen To You.

[Norman Verona]

You have to close your eyes and imagine the scene. We are in the Plough, Low Bradfield, South Yorkshire. There about 8 of the usual domino crowd sitting round a table and the evening is just starting, we're on for about the 3^rd or 4^th pint.

Ernest is a 5ft tall Yorkshireman who pops in for a half every night. He is standing at the bar and is called into the “snug” by someone.

Phil is a builder and he starts to tell this joke. Phil is a great lad but when he has the first sip of his 4^th pint he just goes silly drunk. Now run up it's like switching a light on.

So Phil, just about to take his first sip of his 4^th pint, starts the joke.

There's this couple who have a severely handicapped child. Severely handicapped is an understatement because Nut has no arms, no legs and no body, in fact he only has a head. When he's young dad takes him swimming but his ears get too tired so they have to give that up. As he grows up Dad decides he can take him to the pub with him. He has this wooden cup mounted on the bar and Nut sits on the cup all night with a pint and a straw. One night some lads come in and start an argument. Dad take on two of them and the scuffle moves out to the street. When Dad comes back in Nut has two black eyes, a cut on his forehead, a cauliflower ear and a broken nose. Dad, shouts at Tom the landlord “What's happened to Nut, Tom?”. Well, says Tom, the fight was going our way when Harry over there shouts out "Tom, put nut in”.

We all started laughing as Phil had taken all of 10 minutes to spit this joke out.

Just at this point Ernest's little head appears in the bar door, just his head, no part of his body, legs or arms could be seen by those at the table. He is coming past from the Snug on his way home and is saying goodnight. So there is little Nut. The whole table erupted into raucous laughter, the moment was perfect timing.

The only thing I've experienced funnier than that was when my dearly departed friend Tony Capstick did a charity do for me and had the crowd literally falling of their chairs. But that's another story.

[7sRWild]

LMAO

[greenandmean]

Didn't happen to me but a guy I worked with many years ago, he is in a pub the Star and Garter in Kirkstall Leeds (now closed) when he gets into an argument with a man and his girl friend, ends up calling the woman ****** bait (a racist comment). As the man takes a swing at him my mate jumps up off his stool, reaches behind him and grabs the stool and smashes it over the blokes head. Well that was what was supposed to happen, unfortunately only the cushion came up in his hand and after hitting the bloke with the cushion his next recollection was waking up amid the dustbins and feeling VERY second hand.

When the bruising and pain wore off even my mate could see the funny side.

[markcoopers]

Where do I start.

[FILFAN]

[7sRWild]

At the ripe old age of 18 me and a buddy,Jimbo, took our first trip to Spain. We decided to check out one of the local open air discos, showing my age now. We got there to early so the place was empty except for the waiters, who plied us with bottles of cheap nasty champagne...by the time all the crumpet started to arrive a were well and truly pissisted-we were sat on the dance floor level and up above us was a balcony area overlooking the dance floor.my mate spotted a good looking girl on the balcony and decided to go ask her to dance, I of course tagged along to chat her friend up, as one does. Remember the many bottles of nasty stuff, this is where it kicked in. I was doing my best to navigate the winding steps leading up to the girls and paused to have a word with Jim. Nowhere to be seen was the lad, I was alerted by strange noises to my right and on looking spotted Casanova,(jim) scaling a trelliswork which was pinned to the wall up to the balcony. The trellis was covered in roses, he had one between his teeth, well! You would-right! He made it to almost the top and was within grasp of the fair maid, when.....you guessed it, the whole bl**dy trellis came away from the wall, it kind of hovered for a few mins, enough to see the terror in his eyes before it rapidly descended with a good awful tearing and crashing sound and deposited Jim unceremoniously upon the dance floor amid the shrieks and screams of the well oiled gathering. The next few minutes were a blur as we were both grabbed, pounded and propelled from the premises into the street by the resident bouncers. Despite my wounded pride and cuts and bruises I couldn't stop laughing all the way....to the next disco!

[Norman Verona]

start at the beginning, a good place to start.

I cannot tell the Tony Capstick bit he did for us. He was pi55ed as a fart as usual but did some songs then told this anecdote about when his kid changed into a teenager overnight on his thirteenth birthday. It's the funniest comedy routine I've ever heard. I kid you not but more than a few actually fell of their chairs with laughter.

Capstick was a real genius spoilt by drink. When he split up with his wife he had to go back for his Martin acoustic guitar. He was a bit surprised when the door opened and his wife smiled at him and handed him the guitar case. He started to smile back and start a conversation until he realised the contents were rattling.

At the charity do I organised I asked an accomplished jazz band to play. The leader was a chap called Salt who ran a pub in Neepsend, Sheffield. I went to see him one early evening. Walked up to the bar and asked the chap serving if Ralph was in. He gestures down the depth of the pub and informs me that he's having his tea but it's OK to go and talk to him. I join Ralph while he tucks int his eggs and chips. After a minute or so his wife comes down and walks past us towards the front of the pub. "I've been to Morrisons, have you seen the f**king cheeses they've got in there, they've got f**king yellow cheese, f**king blue cheese, f**king cheese with holes in it, f**king cheese which is soft a squidgy, f**king red cheese and f**king all sorts". It was like a scene from a surreal picture. I agreed terms with Ralph and he asked several times if he'd get paid. I assured him he would on the night as we wouldn't be short.

I got home about six and the phone was ringing. It was Ralph asking for assurance that he would get paid. He rang every night for the next 3 months before the event to be assured he'd get paid.

The event was taking place at the Eckington Arms, in of all places Eckington. The landlord was a member of our Rotary club. We had assured him the we would keep the numbers down to the 150 the room was licensed for.However we had already sold over 200 tickets and knew there were more coming for tickets at the door. I got the 5 jazz band members at the bar and started taking their orders and passing them to the barman. 1 shandy, 1 Guinness .... Tony arrives. What's yours Tony? I'll have a treble brandy, Treble Brandy please John, back to the band, I lemonade, 1 G&T, 1 coke. Tony is thrusting his empty glass in my hands asking for another. And that's how he went on all night. However his folk singing and joke telling couldn't have been better. The Big Yin, Billy Connolly said he was the finest comedian in the UK if only you could keep him sober. He had a morning radio slot on Radio Sheffield and the BBC employed a minder to get him to the studio sober for 9 am. He often failed. Tony died of a heart attack some years ago. Many of you will know him as the policeman in the car in Last of the Summer Wine.

The landlord was fuming about the number of people we had crowding into the upper room of the hotel/pub. He came storming into the room ready for a big argument (he didn't like me for some reason). He stormed in and was confronted by a crown 6 deep at the bar, 3 barman fighting a losing battle and the tills overflowing with money. I turned to deal with him but he just smiled, about turned and went downstairs.

I'll think of some more very boring stories in the 10 years I was running the South Yorkshire Blue Light Show (aka Ring Farm Show). There are many.

[7sRWild]

Norm,I see many great conflabs over a few bottles of vino. Looking forward to meeting you mate.

[Norman Verona]

Sounds good, I'll start stocking up.

[FILFAN]

we all went out to watch lee nelson live at the doncaster dome.

will let the evidence tell you the story. the bloke on stage is one of my mates and he's in his 60's.

might be a couple of rude words be warned

[SootySport]

People falling over, That always gets a laugh but Why?

[echoz]

'cause its funny

eta: fifan thats bl**dy hilarious hahahha :laugh:

Edited November 14, 2012 by echoz

[FILFAN]

Was a good 6 foot drop. After the show lee nelson dragged him out the autograph que and took him straight to the front. he was like a hero that night and still hasn't lived it down.

[User0083]

Ok, not me...

After a few beers and a BBQ a mates wife went to sleep. A few beers later my mate thought it would be a good YouTube clip to film him waking up his wife with a bottom burp to the face. Well he strained a little harder than he thought he would need to and to get it right he pushed a bit harder and... Well they got divorced a few months later. Not just that one episode, but I can guess it was part of the reason.

[Norman Verona]

Life's S*** sometimes.