JeffC Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 extract from the variation of 50 shades of grey , 50 shades of chav "Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women". As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day I just knew my pink Kappa tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Wayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His f...avourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons why I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Wayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Wayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his Sovereign ring off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had f***** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy A***. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirkyboy5 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 absolutly fantastic.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SootySport Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Is this the new literary sensation that only the female sex are reading these days? I find that extract funny , any 15year old could write that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirkyboy5 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Is there any more JeffC? this is quality Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Colonial Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Lady C was curious what all the fuss was about, so I got her 50 Shades of Grey. She said it was the dullest Dulux colour chart she'd ever seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pete g Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 :d :d Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nick Algar - Competition Secretary Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Where do you get them from Jeff :d Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norman Verona Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 7th July ON HERE Do you realise that this is the only thread that's been looked at over the past few hours. Wonder why? Well done Jeff, keep it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
W Shep Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Fantastic. Feel that I'm going to have to change my name now though... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikef Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Excellent - I haven't read the book but feel I have with everything that's been said about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Seabrook Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Class Jeff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeffC Posted August 28, 2012 Author Share Posted August 28, 2012 lol.. part 2. It wasn't long before my face lit up i was half asleep laid on the bed dreaming about Dwayne coming to join me. I felt my foot being touch and a tongue against my leg, i woke quickly looking down the bed smi8ling that he'd sobered enough to get himself up and out of the bath, but the smile soon left my face I realised it was actually tyson licking my leg as he cleaned his knackers. I slumped back to a horizontal position my dreams now ruined. I heard dwayne burp and then throw up hoping he was still in the bath and that i wouldn't stand in it when i stumbled half asleep to the toilet in the night. and 3 Dwayne took me down to the dole office today. We were going to take a walk through the park but it was closed for some party. We hung out around the bus station and shared a bottle. A big crowd started to gather and I thought they were there to see Dwayne with his top off. A lady was jogging past with a flame on a pole so I tried getting her to light my fag for me. I got pushed out of the way by some men in grey. A police man came over and threatened us so we decided we best leave we stumbled in just in time for Jeremy Kyle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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