The English Lanquage

[Nic Ayre]

I think a retired English teacher was bored.

THIS IS GREAT! Read all the way to the end................

This took a lot of work to put together!

You think English is easy

1) The Bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends.

And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,

for now my time is UP,

so........it is time to shut UP!

[DerekJ]

I'll give this post one big UP from me.  

[Stuart]

Once heard a French comedian say "Why do the English say that their alarm clock goes off, when quite clearly it actually goes on?".

[pistonbroke]

And how can a door be ajar  

[zxr400]

how can a building be raised to the ground by fire,when its a pile on the floor  

[DerekJ]

Remembered this form an example of the problems of machine translation.

What does this mean?

"horse flies like wind"

There are at least three interpretations...

DJ

[uk89camaro]

I don't think UK English uses the word "dove" to describe the act of diving into a pool, otherwise known as dived.

[Mooch]

how can a building be raised to the ground by fire,when its a pile on the floor  

When it is razed to the ground.  It's a different word, with a similar root to razor..

[fatbaldbloke]

Add in the joys of correct and incorrect use of the comma and the apostrophe as in 'eats, shoots and leaves' (an entire book dedicated to the correct use of punctuation), and you wonder that anybody can communicate in englsh at all....deep joy.

[frag68]

Eats shoots and leaves, the old double entaunder about the panda.

How about Macdougall, Macgregor, Macdonald, Machinery.

Its a weird language.

[Dibby]

The Viz Profanisaurus is about the limits of my English.

Although it does demonstrate how expressive, inventive and beautiful the English language can be when it comes to swearing

[zxr400]

how can a building be raised to the ground by fire,when its a pile on the floor  

When it is razed to the ground.  It's a different word, with a similar root to razor..

That just goes to prove it   its mad,being dyslexia don't help,even spell check can't help me at times    

[nik9669]

What about the spoken word, as well as the written word. If you say the phrase "I didn't say she stole the money" and you place the emphasis any one of the words, you completely change the meaning. So a seven word sentence has seven different meanings!

[Dibby]

It must be a nightmare for people to learn English.

... but then talking to French friends they get the same with hidden meanings and the way you say things implying different meanings.

Can't we just go back to caveman days gruning at each others and pinting on walls?