Captain Colonial Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Welcome to the first (and probably last) Mystic Colonial's Highly Helpful WSCC Horoscopes. What star sign were you born under? (Note: Please see disclaimer under signature - Ed.) Aquarius: Avoid hitting an enraged Bengal tiger with a pool cue between the hours of 7 PM and midnight. Withdraw all your money from banks, and invest it in iguana leashes. Do not run away with Anne Widdecombe in a 1953 Ford Poplar between now and noon of the year 2035. Pisces: Avoid September. Trade your saxophone in for a cow - it will make the same noise, and give milk as well. A good day to post Jeffrey Archer to Outer Mongolia, especially if you want to get him there by Christmas. Aries: If your sun sign is in its 12th house, do not stuff kumquats up your nose while taking dictation. Avoid contact with poison asps if they are either Scorpios or Cancers. Between noon and sundown, do not hit Chris Evans with a bowl of fried porridge. Taurus: If you are a Taurean, it is better to be a South Taurean than a North Taurean. This is a good day to start a riot if you are enrolled in a correspondence school - send them an envelope with rocks in it. Gemini: A good day for Geminis. Your horoscope says you should invest all your money in the commercial production of left-handed bacon stretchers between the hours of 3 PM and midnight. Cancer: Get a check-up. Leo: File your teeth in the presence of someone nervous. Avoid business dealings with Charles Manson in a fully equipped surgical theatre. Drop any friends who are Geminis, Scorpios, Cancers, or have distemper. Virgo: Avoid milking a mongoose between sunrise and 2 PM, especially if it is fighting a cobra. You may have an affair, but not on CBBC as you had planned. A bad day to spread wet Kleenex on the third rail of the London Underground and lie down on it. Libra: You must lose four stone by sundown. It would advisable to light candles and pray for a reappearance of Anne Robinson's old face. Avoid sneaking into 10 Downing Street and putting lettuce, Russian dressing and rye bread all over William Hague. Scorpio: Get an elderly hedgehog to throw overripe berries at your between the hours of 9 AM and midnight. Trade dentures with a friend for the entire day. Sagittarius: You must not attempt to apply mascara to a angry rhinoceros between now and Thursday of next week. However, it is OK for you to try to hurl former film star Macaulay Culkin under a moving tricycle. Capricorn: Stuff yourselves with chicken feathers and tell the admissions clerk at Great Ormond Street Hospital that you think the inside of your stomach is moulting, but only between the hours of 1 PM and sundown, and if you are accompanied by Esther Rantzen. Hope this helps and happy horoscopes to you all! Quote
Captain Colonial Posted July 19, 2010 Author Posted July 19, 2010 boring day at the office capitano It's me part-time job. You can read my daily horoscopes in The Daily Liar Quote
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