Does this sound like your company?

[Chris_G]

Company Policy: Effective from January 2007

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume

you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If

you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so

that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If

you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and

therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a

strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three

minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the

stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second

offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board

under the 'Chronic Offenders category'.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the

company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so

that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for

lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby

people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to

drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,

irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,

contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

[peterg]

I think I used to work for them.....      

[potster]

       

[Paul Hurdsfield - Joint Manchester AO]

I still do  

[Westy1700]

Not sure how our confidential internal document has been leaked......

[ibakes]

Not my company...

the ones wearing prada shoes get a massive payrise each year along with bonuses.

the ones dressing poorley recieve inflation and have just been made (sorry asked) to sign out of the bonus scheme

[DMMS]

Hmmmm.  Was just thinking of updating employment contracts and that has given me a few ideas.....

[Nick Algar - Competition Secretary]

Hmmmm.  Was just thinking of updating employment contracts and that has given me a few ideas.....

seemed about right to me too