7 Heaven Posted June 21, 2002 Posted June 21, 2002 I'll give some of the quotes to my best man for his speech That should sort out the mother in law. Got to say, glad she doesn't know my password for this forum I'm still waiting on the 10 volume pre-nuptial, got to be a catch marrying a lawyer Why does the bride smile when she walks down the aisle? She knows she has given oral sex for the last time.... And when they get older you can experience it when they've taken their false teeth out, something to look forward to I'm alright, I chose a lass with small feet, so the sink is easily accessible and I made sure she got a good iron John Quote
stu999 Posted June 21, 2002 Posted June 21, 2002 In the interests of family planning, supermarkets have recentlly started selling 'own brand' condoms. All are using fierce advertising campains.... Tesco condoms...Every little helps. Safeway condoms...Lightening the load. Sainsbury condoms...Making life taste better Quote
Martin Keene Posted June 24, 2002 Posted June 24, 2002 To continue the theme heres some more for you! Nike Condoms - Just do it. Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life. Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk. KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good. Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands. Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough. Coca Cola condoms - The real thing. Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going. Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop. Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper. Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide" oops, i said a naughty word! condoms - no comment required. Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain. Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork. Halford condoms - we go the extra mile. Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you. Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long. Renault condoms - size really does matter! Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin. Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes. Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!! Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach. Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world. Mars condoms - a condom a day helps you work rest and play. AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service. Pepperoni condoms - its a bit of an animal. Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!! Quote
Boyband_Pete Posted June 24, 2002 Posted June 24, 2002 John 7 Heven. Where are you getting married? You must have some single Bridemaids going. There's a good lad I'll bring a pack lunch, and my own little table I'll be no trouble. Quote
7 Heaven Posted June 24, 2002 Posted June 24, 2002 The fateful, I mean wonderful day will take place on 20th July at St Peter's church in Redditch. Problem with the Bridesmaids, one is 5mths pregnant with twins and the other isn't too keen on Westfields, however that might have just been my driving There will be a couple of other single women going as well John Quote
Boyband_Pete Posted June 24, 2002 Posted June 24, 2002 That's OK I don't like westfield either. Horrible rotten rusty kit cars Is she hot I will come in my other car, that has all the toys. Doors, heater, Air con, windscreen, you name it ha ha. Quote
Chris Elworthy Posted June 24, 2002 Author Posted June 24, 2002 I'm alright, I chose a lass with small feet, My Dad told me to find a Woman with small hands ! Size is relative and all that. Quote
Boyband_Pete Posted June 25, 2002 Posted June 25, 2002 Now lets not diss my funky moped. The big bike was too scary, beside Sara will do 90 mph and 0-60 in about 6 sec's Bet that's beter than your road car Quote
Chris Elworthy Posted June 25, 2002 Author Posted June 25, 2002 In the interests of family planning, supermarkets have recentlly started selling 'own brand' condoms. All are using fierce advertising campains....Tesco condoms...Every little helps. Safeway condoms...Lightening the load. Sainsbury condoms...Making life taste better How about the Team Westfield Condom : Inflated. God I'm going to get crucified for that ! Mark can I have some of your Blue touch paper and a match. Quote
Boyband_Pete Posted June 27, 2002 Posted June 27, 2002 They will be made by oops, i said a naughty word!. Over priced. Ooops pass the matches. Quote
Rusty Nuts Posted June 28, 2002 Posted June 28, 2002 Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!" Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder. Q: What's 100 yds long and smells of p***? A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings. Q: What's green and gets you p********? A: A Giro Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "coping with darkness" Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common? A: They can both stick their bills up their A***. Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the **** out of the dog. Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet. Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A: Well endowed. Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. Q. What do women and prawns have in common? A. There heads are full of **** but the pink bits taste great Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday? A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get f*****. Q. What's the definition of "trust"? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob. Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: They are easier to keep amused. Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count A: Your date has to chew before she swallows Q: Why do seagulls have wings? A: To beat the gypsies to the tip. Q: What is the speed limit for sex? A: 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian A: "Vagitarian" Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog? A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the ####### in front of you. Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common? A: They both capture the moment. Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat? A: Bingo. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Who is the only man, weighing over 11st, who has ridden a Derby winner since 1945? A: Lester Piggott's cell mate. Q: What does Joan Collins put behind her ears to attract men? A: Her feet. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can get to sleep with a light on. Q: What's got four legs, and goes "Woof"? A: Piper Alpha. Q: How do you make a dog drink? A: Put it in a liquidizer. Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway. . Q: What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler. Woman: "I've got acute angina". Man: "Your tits aren't bad either". Q: What's got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog. Q: What do you do if your boiler explodes? A: Buy her some flowers. Q: What is the definition of confusion? A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. Quote
Boyband_Pete Posted July 1, 2002 Posted July 1, 2002 A big long list of What's the difference.. Here's one Q: What's the difference between a Westfield and a c******m? A: About £10,000 But...............(oh I can't be asred) Quote
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