calling barney

[stewart pickles]

a-up rubble

after every flight,qua??? pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that they need to repair or correct.the engineers read and correct the problem,and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight.never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.here are some actual logged maintenance complantes and problems as submited by ???ntas pilots and the solution recorded by >maintenance engineers. by the way,qua???s is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

p=the problem logged by the pilot

s=the solution and action taken by ground crews and engineers    

p left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

s almost replaced left inside main tyre.

p test flight ok,except auto-land very rough.

s auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

p something loose in cockpit.

s something tightened in cockpit.

p autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

s cannot reproduce problem on ground.

p evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

s evidence removed.

p dme volume unbelievably loud.

s dme volume set to more believable level.

p friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

s that's what they're there for.

p iff inoperative.

s iff always inoperative in off mode.

p suspect crack in windshield.

s suspect you're right.

p number 3 engine missing.

s engine found on right hand wing after brief search.

p aircraft handles funny.

s aircraft warned to straighten up,fly right,and be serious.

p target radar hums.

s reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

p mouse in cockpit.

s cat installed.

p noise coming from under instrument panel.sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

s took hammer away from midget.

[Garry Bunn - Derby & Notts Joint AO]

Don't think he will be posting for a while Stew,

he's away on a 4 week course on how to fix the Airbus!!

He's having to graft in the evening to pass the exams!

Garry

[Mark Stanton]

QUOTE

to pass the exams!

Wot he didn't know about                    

[cast iron]

and if he fails do we cancel our holidays       or go to cornwall  

[Buzz Billsberry]

by the way,qua???s is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

They've had 7 accidents ok the last one is in 1951Quantas Accidents

Buzz

[nlash]

Crikey thats some list, American and Air France have had some poor luck  

Seems to be a KLM missing too  

[scruffythefirst]

QUOTE

As a prank, a captain riding in the jump seat engaged the gust lock in flight. The command pilot, not knowing the gust lock had been engaged, rolled the elevator trim tab with no response. When the jump seat  captain disengaged the gust lock, the aircraft went into into a steep dive, executed part of an outside roll and become inverted. Neither the command nor jump seat captain had seat belts on and they accidentally feathered No. 1, 2 and 4 engines when they hit the controls with their heads. No one realized it at the time but the feathering reduced power and allowed the co-pilot, who was strapped in, to pull out of the dive 350 feet from the ground.

       

Interesting website buzz

[Drakuul]

Heh, saw that list some years ago, but I think it was attributed to either the RAF or US airforce (Since IFF transponders were included in the list, I would assume it originated from military engineers)

[Guest]

I think the term "target radar" points towards military aircraft too!!

[Buzz Billsberry]

As a prank, a captain riding in the jump seat engaged the gust lock in flight. The command pilot, not knowing the gust lock had been engaged, rolled the elevator trim tab with no response. When the jump seat  captain disengaged the gust lock, the aircraft went into into a steep dive, executed part of an outside roll and become inverted. Neither the command nor jump seat captain had seat belts on and they accidentally feathered No. 1, 2 and 4 engines when they hit the controls with their heads. No one realized it at the time but the feathering reduced power and allowed the co-pilot, who was strapped in, to pull out of the dive 350 feet from the ground.

       

Interesting website buzz

Its one of my interests not for the blood & gore but for why they happen and the investigation side of things I have another 4 sites including the NTSB

Buzz

[barney]

hi Stew,sorry for delayed post ,but not spending much time on the web as garry said,in gatwick on an airbus course,lovely place feels like the capital of Poland...iyswim,anyway saw this and it gave me a laugh

THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF FLYING

Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during take-offs, flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other marvels of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of Flight, just in case something goes wrong with any of these new- fangled flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so, which one.

The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.

Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see this is very unsanitary.

Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will therefore be more dependable.

Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an airplane.

Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies.

Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose

ttfn

Rubble

ps absolutely amazed what the airbus can do,brilliant compared to a 737 (classic not ng for the anoraks       )