A story

[karlgurney]

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building

and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The

grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the

summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The

shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the

cold.

THE END

THE BRITISH VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building

his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks

he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come

winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press

conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be

warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are

cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the

shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his

comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a

country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so

while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights

and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's

house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting

Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We

Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor

McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of

grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to

make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to

enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the

Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to

the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is

taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders

for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for

contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to

furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be

socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the

more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly

imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start

building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and

utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked

a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin

with mice. On arrival the tried to blow up the airport because of

Britains apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking

and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed

them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to

then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was

feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a

scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the

squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council

house he is in, crumbles around him because he  hasn't bothered to

maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate

government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since

arrival in UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary

to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released

immediately because  he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is

placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise

him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state

the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for

grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is

increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for

enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by

the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press

blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes

of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of

prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were

infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in

the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,

the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on

their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for

law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65

because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[philsugrue]

Quality. LMAO

[BuGsBuNnY]

It would be funny it it wasn't true...

[Coxy]

It would be funny it it wasn't true...

My thoughts exactly as I look despairingly at the screen    

[Man On The Clapham Omnibus]

It would be funny it it wasn't true...

Couldn't agree more. I have tried to explain to the liberal doubters that humanity is no different from wild animals; stop hunting or foraging, or whatever you do to live, and you die. Simple really.

[Guest]

Too true - about the only thing I can think of to add is that when the squirrel requires long term care in his old age, due to the stress he has been put through, he or his relations have to sell nearly all his remaining assets to fund it.  The grass hoppers surviving relatives are of course supported by the state.

Sorry - too close to home!

[oldman]

Ah! Glasshopper  

[michaelc]

I suspect you guys have a lifetime subscription to the Daily Mail?

[oldman]

Beano for me  

[budmikem]

Daily Mail?----more like Viz.....you need a sense a humour! to be English and laugh at the situation.

[Boomy]

 

[felters]

I suspect you guys have a lifetime subscription to the Daily Mail?

The Mail is for Pinko's and girlies...  

We read real mens papers... or am I the only one with a subscription to Private Eye?  

[melt]