Viz Letters

[Rob Navin]

Well I laughed

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.

Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.

John

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'C…’  Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.

Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?

DF Kant

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.

Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London

SUupermarkets. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

Serena Keough

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa?

Les Barnsley

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

Gary, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the nunney quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

Tim

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Mrs Close,

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.

[Peter Cox]

LOL.

My all time fave of all time has to be...

"As a schoolteacher I am used to my pupils trying to disrupt lessons. So, when one of them shouted out, 'Miss, there's a ladder in your tights!' I duly ignored him. Imagine my surprise that evening when, on removing my pantyhose, not only did I find a real stepladder, but also a rather confused school caretaker.

Miss O. Dawes"

[david.c]

Reminds me why I used to get Viz

David

[pistonbroke]

Thank you Mr Navin for wasting 20 mins of my time      

[neilb]

No replies this month...  The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

P Boddington, Ringway

[Scottish Bloke]

Quality Rob    

[a4gom]

Everything you need to know to get you through the year.........

===============

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains  from a garment, always  circle

the stain in permanent pen, so that when you  remove the  garment from the

washing machine you can easily locate the area of  the stain and check that

it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the

object you wish to  view.

Save money by recreating the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home. Simply fill  the bath with cold water, add two bottles of bleach + fresh urine then jump in.

Anorexics. When your knees  become fatter than your legs, start eating cake

again.

An empty  aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive but thrilling vibrator.

Champion athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids  by  running

a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by  simply lighting your next fag

from the butt of your last  one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak. They're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know  the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Ask if they'll honour YOUR special dietary  requirements, by serving you a nice bit of steak.

High blood pressure sufferers.  Simply cut yourself from time to time and bleed for a  while. It reduces the pressure in your  veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of  your

cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to

insulate your roof, ensuring less nicotine fumes escape.

Corsa drivers. Since the cars look like dodgems, get the complete experience. Attach a lighted sparkler to the  roof of your car before every journey.

A mouse trap placed  on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from

rolling over and going  back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than  them by banging

your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket  checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer

Please' sign for  dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress or new hair-do for that  important first date.  Get real. All he's interested in is seeing you  messed up and naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl  makes  the

fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing  manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast

wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives.  I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid

for the price of  one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other

in your coat  pocket.

And finally - don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. The offer of cold turkey may prove embarrassing or offensive

[Bluerallye]

Well if everyone else is......

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. .

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

[Liam]

If the baby screams when placed in the bath....don't put your elbow in it

[Martin Keene]

No wonder Andrew is so... erm... unquie!