Friday again, i'll start with an old bad joke.

[a4gom]

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when

he sees a LP record in the window of a charity shop 'Wasp noises from

around the world'. Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can

listen to it.

"Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto his turntable.

After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost

authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and I'm the world's foremost

authority on wasps! Can you play the next track please?"

The assistant obliges and skips the needle onto the next track. After a

while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is still confused.

"No, I still don't recognise any of these wasps. Can you try the next

track?"

The assistant skips the needle on, and the world's foremost authority on

wasps listens for a little while longer before shaking his head.

"It's no good. I just don't recognise any of these wasps"

The assistant peers at the label of the record and says "Oh, I'm

terribly sorry. I had it on the bee side"

[a4gom]

Nobody else playing?

1.  Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round.". The other one says "so are you".

2.  Two cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" .

3.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

4.  A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

5.  Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

6.  "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

7.  "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

8.  "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

9.  You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."

10.   "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

11.   I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.', I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.', He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

12.   So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'

13.   "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

14.   "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

15.   "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

16.   "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

17.   "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

18.   "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

[Boomy]

Some classics there

[westyblade]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big

smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them

what

has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to

his  mistress.

Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent

it all on whisky.

Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn

from

Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his photo taken."

[pistonbroke]

I like that one      

[mark.anson]

This actually happenned;

Returned to my car in the local multistory and there as a bloke nearby surveying clearly recent damage to his car which he had found on his return.

I asked him if he was ok and he was obviously p******** off stating that the offending driver had driven off from the scene, but they had left him a note under the windscreen.

No problem I said, presuming the note contained a contact number for the other driver. however the note read as follows;

" I am very sorry. I am the person who has crashed into your car and damaged it. There are two people watching me and they think I am writing down my name and address so can contact me regarding the accident... They are wrong"

Could help but laugh.

[yellow peril]

It has been announced this morning in a Press Conference at Old Trafford that OXO will be replace Vodafone as Utd's main sponsor.  A spokesman for OXO said they were delighted to be associated with Manchester United.  "We already have a Beef Stock and a Chicken Stock, he enthused, now we've got a Laughing Stock!!!"

Oops, sits back and waits for the abusive responses.....

[a4gom]

               

I love it