Friday Titter

[Fat Albert]

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Keane Leaves United. Gutted. Got a ******* though .

[Boxerman33]

   

[philsugrue]

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Tony.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*****g beautiful!' "

[Fat Albert]

A Priest is walking along the seafront close to the pier, when he spots a lone fisherman in a small dinghy bobbing about near the jetty. Taken in by the wonderfully picturesque scene, the Priest walks along the jetty to get a closer view of this serene and solitary activity.

The fisherman spots the Priest, and beckons him closer, asking if he'd like to join him for a spot of fishing. The priest gleefully agrees and within a couple of minutes has a rod in his hand and is chuntering away happily with the fisherman.

Suddenly, the Priest gets a bite and after the two men manage to wrestle the catch out of the ocean, the fisherman exclaims "Look at the size of that f****r!"

The Priest immediately makes the sign of the cross and says "My good man, I'm a man of God, I simply can't tolerate that language."

The fisherman, thinking on his feet, says "No Father, that's the name of the fish - a f****r, you've caught this huge f****r."

The Priest proudly declares "Then I shall take this back to the church and eat the f****r."

When back at the church, the Priest sees the Bishop and runs up to him shouting "Look at this big f****r I caught, look at the size of the f****r!"

The Bishop is absolutely horrified and makes the sign of the cross and screams at the Priest "Good heavens man, we're in God's holy house, what's got into you?"

The Priest replies "Oh no, you don't understand, that the name of the fish - a f****r. I caught this f****r."

The Bishop relaxes and says "Oh I see, that's marvellous! It's so big - give it to me and I shall go and clean the f****r."

The Bishop take the fish to the Head Mother and says "I'm about to clean this f****r, and I'd like you to cook the f****r so we can dine in style tonight with the pope."

The Head Mother looks at him in astonishment, asking "Have you gone raving mad, swearing like that?"

"No no," says the Bishop, "That's the name of the fish - a f****r. The Priest caught the f****r, I'm going to clean the f****r, and we want you to cook the f****r."

"Oh wonderful!" say Head Mother "Let's get working."

Later that night they have the Pope around for dinner and the fish goes down a treat, absolutely delicious. After they've eaten the Pope says "Tell me about that fish, it was the most incredible tasting fish I think I've ever eaten."

The Priest blurts out excitedly "I caught the f****r!"

The Bishop cries "Yes, and I cleaned the f****r."

And the Head Mother proudly declares "And I cooked the f****r."

The Pope suddenly fixes them all with a cold steely stare, and studies them one by one. Then, he takes off his little hat, pulls out a large Cuban which he lights up, kicks his chair back and puts his feet on the table. He pours himself a large brandy and looks at them and says,

"You know....... you c@$ts are alright."

[philsugrue]

     

[pistonbroke]

dad goes to the supermarket and visits tha deli counter

he looks at the cheese and is invited to try the new "b******d cheese"

impressed he buys a 1/2 pound to take home

that evening the family are sat at the table eating dinner

dad asks his son johnny

"johnny" , " pass me the b******d cheese"

johnny looks at his dad and says

"that's the spirit dad , pass me the f**ckin jam

 

[westyblade]

Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy

a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.

"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his

finest mare.

"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".

The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".

Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the

dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her ?"

With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep

inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before

pulling him

out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that,

can I see her wun awound?