morning titter..

[JeffC]

Essex Girl

A Lorry driver driving through Essex. Stops at a red light, and a car

pulls up behind him, the door opens and a blonde woman gets out, runs up to the

door and knocks on his window.

The lorry driver lowers the window and the woman says:

"Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry"

The lorry driver grunts and winds his window back up and as the lights

change he pulls away, only to get caught at the next set of lights, where

the blonde again knocks on the window, gets him to lower it and as if it

never happened says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry"

He again rolls his eyes and pulls away as the lights change... once again

he gets caught by the lights and he sees her running up once more. She

again knocks on the window, he lowers it and again she comes out with:

"Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry"

He says something rather rude under his breath and roars away from the

lights shaking his head. He swears like mad as he sees the next set of

lights turning red and the woman's car tearing up behind him.

Before she can get out he throws open his door, jumps down and legs it back

to her car. She rolls her window down as he knocks and he says: "Hi, my

name's Dave, and I'm driving a f**king gritter!

[a4gom]

I got bird flu today, I know its bird flu as I started talking b0ll0cks and couldn't park the car when I got to work.  

[steve_m]

The following are actual news excerpts from the African press in South

Africa, Swaziland, Kenya and Zimbabwe.

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town):

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a

spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm

that he is no longer in our employment". "We asked him to clean the

lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he

replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and

sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he

thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two

twelve times." "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I

understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

2. The Star (Johannesburg):

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem

Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's

merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's

all." Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the

landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the

Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a

team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they

failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I

categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this

government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice

bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The

right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will

laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya):

"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news

conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch

like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not

patriots. You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya

Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from

Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had

boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the

tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and

unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger

suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but

unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off.

Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle

pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his

mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be

abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the

face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I

told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another

flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy

the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus

driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he

got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere

to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered,

he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the

queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove

straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over

his charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable.

Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that

suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for

the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have

apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

[V 8]

Wife

"Could you fix the light in the hall as it's been flickering for two weeks now?"

Husband

"Hellooo....Do I have electrician tattood on my forehead...I don't think so...

Wife

"Can you fix the fridge door, it's about to fall off?2

Husband

"Hellooo...Do I have hotpoint engineer tatood on my forehead....I don't think so..

Wife

"Can you repair the front step, someone's going to trip over it soon?"

Husband

"Hellooo...do I have builder tattood on my forehead...I don't think so.......... I'm off to the pub"

Whilst in the pub, he regrets the way he has spoken to his wife and returns home with the intention of completing all the tasks, but when he arrives, he is amazed to find the step has been repaired. When he opens the door, the light is working, and when he goes into the kitchen his wife is just getting a bottle of milk from the fridge.

"How did you fix all those jobs you asked me to do?" He asked her.

"Well just after you left that nice young man from next door turned up to borrow some sugar and when I told him about them, he fixed them in a jiffy"

"Did he do it for nothing then?" the husband enquired.

"No," she replied "he said either bake me a cake or lets have a *******"

" So what sort of cake did you bake him?" he asked

"Hellooo........do I have Delia Smith tattood on my forehead.....I don't think so......."

[a4gom]

Apologies in advance...

Little girl:  

Mummy, Mummy, will they be hanging Christmas decorations in Vietnam?

Mummy:  

No dear, they'll just be hanging Glitter this year.