westyblade Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that the there is a spare seat in between himself and the next guy. "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?" Asks the man. "That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away." Explains the guy. "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another member of the family, friend or someone else to come with you?" Asks the man. "No..... They re all at the funeral!" Quote
westyblade Posted November 18, 2005 Author Posted November 18, 2005 An American a Frenchman, and an Englishman were walking on the beach one day. When they discoverd a Lamp. The American picks it up and proceeds to wipe it. Pooof out pops a Genie. " I grant you 1 wish each" The American goes first. "My grand daddy was a farmer. so was my Daddy. I would love to go back to the Simple life and transform America for the Better". " So I want you to turn America into one vast fertile plain, so all americans can be self sufficient". "it is Done" says the Genie. Now the Frenchman asks. " I am a proud French national. It breaks my heart that my Beloved Country is invaded daily by Lesser People from other Countries". "I Want you to build a wall round France. With no way in and no way Out". "We will live in the true Franco way and not be infiltrated by Others". "it is done" Says the Genie. "Now it is your turn". says the Genie to the Englishman. "Errm I'd Like to know more about this Wall round france first". Says the Englishman. "Well it is 100 feet tall and 100 feet Wide. Nothing can get into or out of it". Replies the Genie. "Fine" Says the Englishman... Fill the F*cker up with Water. Quote
Charlie - Yorksboys. Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Roll on 5pm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote
JeffC Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 30 people have been found glued to a subway wall.. police believe that Irish muslims are responsible setting off the 1st ever "no nails" bomb. Quote
Charlie - Yorksboys. Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 30 people have been found glued to a subway wall.. police believe that Irish muslims are responsible setting off the 1st ever "no nails" bomb. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! First time I've laughed for days!! Quote
steppenwolf Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 30 people have been found glued to a subway wall.. police believe that Irish muslims are responsible setting off the 1st ever "no nails" bomb. Now that is very funny, I'm still giggling .. Quote
Coxy Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 30 people have been found glued to a subway wall.. police believe that Irish muslims are responsible setting off the 1st ever "no nails" bomb. LMAO Quote
Fat Albert Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started" Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished"? The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger". Her boyfriend decides to go over and help. She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax" "Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box". Quote
JeffC Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 A young couple was out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles and hour, will you take off all your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road." She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with some astonishment, "I think it's too late--he's too far in!" Quote
Mike dB Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Why did the baker have stinky hands? Because he kneaded a poo. Quote
Blatman Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of semi skimmed milk, a half dozen eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of Iceberg lettuce, a 1Kg can of coffee and half a pound of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, " 'Cos you're ugly." Quote
david.c Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 30 people have been found glued to a subway wall.. police believe that Irish muslims are responsible setting off the 1st ever "no nails" bomb. Love the Frosties one too David Quote
JeffC Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 Osama bin laden has been arrested sheepshagging in Wales... when questioned by police he said they were Islams. Quote
letterkenny Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 How do you know if your mechanic has pulled the night before??? One clean finger Coat please Quote
V 8 Posted November 18, 2005 Posted November 18, 2005 A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of semi skimmed milk, a half dozen eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of Iceberg lettuce, a 1Kg can of coffee and half a pound of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, " 'Cos you're ugly." Class Quote
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