JeffC Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to do the deed , The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said. The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!" A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £9,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your tail for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's". Quote
Animal Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to do the deed , The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said. The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!" A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £9,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says happily. A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?" "Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your tail for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47," Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's". That's my sense of humour!! Quote
JeffC Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 *Cough* sorry One day 3 guys got stranded on an island, and they were captured by cannibals. They begged for their lives, and the king cannibal said, "Ok I'll give you 2 trials. I'll tell you the first one now and the second one later. The first one is pick 10 fruits of the same kind." So they set off to get their fruits. The first guy came back to the king with 10 apples. The king says, "Ok now you have to shove them up your ass without flinching or anything." So he shoves the first one up the guy's ass but on the second one he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial. He has berries, so he shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one he laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven. The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh? You coulda lived!" and the second guy says, I was fine until I saw the third guy coming with all those watermelons!" Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mam, huh?" The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mam." Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mam and not for your sister? Who are they for?" The nine year old says, "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?" The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!" come on then lets have another cough Quote
JeffC Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 997 posts.... One day there were four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it." Quote
JeffC Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 998 This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says,"Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" Quote
JeffC Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 999 One day a lady goes to her doctor and asks her how to get her husband to sleep with her more. The doctor leaves the room then returns with a little bottle and says, "Put one pill into his coffee everyday, the results are instant." The lady goes home and puts one into his coffee right away, and that night she got a little feel from her husband but nothing more. Disappointed, the next day she dumped in the whole bottle. Six months later the phone rings And the doctor asks, "Did they work"? The son replied, "My moms dead, my sister is pregnant, my ass hurts, and Dad... Well Dad's on the roof chasing the cat with a bottle of Vaseline." Quote
mark.anson Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Group of junior school kids having a lesson on the human body, and on this particular day they are learning all about the skin, and how it protects the body, and why they should look after thier skin. The teacher in an attempt to get the kid imaginations working a bit, asks them the question, "if your body wasnt covwered in skin, what would you like it to be covered in?" All the hands go up and the kid at the front says If my body wasnt covered in skin I would like it to be covered in pure gold. WHY asks the teacher... Well I could scratch it off, and when I had enough I could buy a Westfield and a Ferrari. Very good said the teacher...anyone else.. Another kid replys.. If my body wasnt covered in skin I would like it to be covered in diamonds.... Why asks the teacher... Well I could scratch them off and when I had enough i could buy a Westfield, a Ferrari, a Lambourgini, and a Roller.... Very good said the teacher... Little Johnny at the back is now yelling to be heard... Yes Johnny what is it..... Miss if my body wasnt covered in skin, I would like it to be covered entireley in pubic hair........ What on earth for ? exclaimed the teacher... Well miss, my sisters only got a tiny bit, and you should see the F***ing cars round our house. Quote
Andrew Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 1,000 posts 1000 posts in seven months, is that a record? Far too much time on your hands! At my rate I should break through the 1000 post barrier in the year 2010. Quote
Blatman Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 1000 posts in seven months, is that a record? Hardly Quote
Andrew Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 Quote 1000 posts in seven months, is that a record? Hardly Just a day's work to some. eh? Quote
JeffC Posted October 7, 2005 Author Posted October 7, 2005 1,000 posts 1000 posts in seven months, is that a record? Far too much time on your hands! At my rate I should break through the 1000 post barrier in the year 2010. I know I must get myself a proper job really If you keep your rod out your hand a bit more you should crack 1,000 by the year end Quote
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