Morning joke

[GaryD]

two prawns, tom and christian,  were swimming around in shark infested waters discussing how hard their lives were. "We never know when were going to get eaten" said tom. "I wish i was a shark then I wouldn't have to worry".

At that moment a shoal of cod appeared and said " your wish is granted" and POW tom turned into a great white. Christian, terrified of his former best friend swam away and hid.

Months passed and tom grew very lonely as whenever he saw his old prawn mates they would swim away in fear. Christian was so upset by his old friend joining the enemy that he refused to leave his house.

Desperate to put things right tom searched everywhere for the mysterious cod until one day he found them and begged to be returned to a prawn.  POW  "his wish was granted and he was a shellfish once more.

With tears of joy tom swam to christian and banged on his door and said "Its me tom come out and see how I've changed". "No way" said christian "i wont be tricked into being your dinner" "but that was the old me" implored tom

"I've found cod. I'm a prawn again christian"

[a4gom]

 

Heres another for ya

Hypnotist !!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday

[a4gom]

A few more to keep you going

" My dog Minton keeps eating all my shuttlecocks. "

" Bad Minton! "

Two men are walking through a graveyard with their dogs .

One man turns to the other and says " Morning "

The other man replies " No, just walking the dog...

Q : Why should you never buy Russian underpants?

A : Chernobyl fallout

Q : " What do you call a pig with three eyes? "

A : " Piiig! "

Q : What have David Beckham and Des O'Connor got in common?

A : They're both f*cking awful singers.

Q : What do you call a judge with no thumbs?

A : Justice Fingers.

Stevie Wonder gets a cheese grater for Christmas.

Mate calls to ask if he liked it.

Stevie says, " Man, that was the most violent book I ever read. "

TAXI

[Liam]

Groooaaan

C'mon somebody - there's got to better than that out there  

[Mark Stanton]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"    

[Martin Keene]