Tommy Cooper Jokes

[funbobby]

Some old........some very old!

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of

them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,

press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are

too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him

in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you

can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak

and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That

soundslike Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is

there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a

look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he

checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up

my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,

go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my

Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I

think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The

other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,

and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other

one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So

that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several

places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a

small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and

rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number

to climb as digging continues into the night.............

[Mike H]

[Gromit]

Really, really shoudn`t drink me cuppa and read these at the same time.

     

I got to number 10 before spraying.

[pistonbroke]

A woman who stood on a bun got electrocuted , the  current ran up her leg  

[oldman]

Yes Bernie   That same woman only survived cus she wos an ex jail bird who used t'work on't buses. ie She wos a bad conductor  

Another old un....A Wessie walked into a bar and the barman said..." Is that a side exhaust or are you just pleased t' see me "

We don't usually get Sevens in ere.I'm not a seven,I'm a man.In that case why do yer go t'ladies t'do yer No 2's.Cus I've just ad a six change.

[pistonbroke]

did you hear about the old-man with 2 wooden legs whos'e house caught fire ?

firemen saved his house but he got burned to the ground

just bought a dog cheap off ebay , but its got no nose  

how does it smell ?

bl**** awful  

wanna buy a budgie going cheap  

[oldman]

Kinell  

[kinell]

wot?  

[7SE]

There should be Forum Rule against this sort of thing!

[oldman]

wot?  

Sorry Kinell,slip of tongue....return to coffin immediately  

[pistonbroke]

The longer the stockin the closer the bottom is to top  

[Fat Albert]

Love kids, went to school with them.

Went to the doctor, said I was suffering from Acne. he said try moving to Walthamstow.

[steve_m]

A student walked into a bar with a pig under his arm.

Barman said where did you get that ?

The pig said I won him in a raffle !