jak Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 A Message from Tony Blair to the citizens of the United States of America In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is n ot actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation. Quote
Coxy Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 For a horrible moment I thought this was going to be a joke Where is the bit about all Americans losing at least 10 stones before being allowed citizenship? Quote
JohnCh Posted July 6, 2005 Posted July 6, 2005 Some of those words are awfully big, so it was kind of hard to follow, but it seems that some guy named Toni Blair wants to take away my guns and beer. I did a search for his website to find out why he would want to do that and I discovered that he isn't a he at all. He's a she! And not just a she, but an actress! What did I ever do to her? Oh well, at least she didn't say anything about taking away Big Red. Not sure how I could make it down the block to Uncle Bubba's Bar & Shooting Club for the weekly militia meeting without my Big Red. BTW Ain't she pretty? -John Quote
James Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Very good can anyone give me the email adress for the white house Quote
DickieB Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 No, but try a google.co.uk search on "Poodle" and "I'm feeling lucky" Quote
Blatman Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 E mail George W Bush here... (use short words) E mail the Vice President here... Or phone or fax... Comments: 202-456-1111 Switchboard: 202-456-1414 FAX: 202-456-2461 Comments: 202-456-6213 Visitors Office: 202-456-2121 Have a nice day... Quote
adhawkins Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 E mail George W Bush here... (use short words) E mail the Vice President here... ITYM president@whitehouse.gov and vice.president@whitehouse.gov HTH HAND Andy Quote
Coxy Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Does that mean that Tony Blair is really a great big trucker? Quote
Blatman Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 E mail George W Bush here... (use short words) E mail the Vice President here... ITYM president@whitehouse.gov and vice.president@whitehouse.gov HTH HAND Andy bl**** edit function. Changes all the carefully typed in code... Quote
Frau Vesty Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 I have seen it before but it's still very funny. However, I must point out one error... Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. Whilst I agree that her acting was rubbish, she was in fact playing an American in England, and not an English character... Quote
James Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Right ive emailed it to George W and I expect im now on the fbi's most wanted list but im feeling lucky! Quote
Blatman Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Right ive emailed it to George W and I expect im now on the fbi's most wanted list but im feeling lucky! Not yet... Quote
James Posted July 7, 2005 Posted July 7, 2005 Still got time for a head start then better empty the account while I still can! Oh b******* its already empty Quote
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