Buzz Billsberry Posted February 7, 2002 Posted February 7, 2002 >> Beer Study >> >> Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the >> evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada >> suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of >> female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at >> their beer consumption. >> >> The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. >> >> To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer >> within a one-hour period. >> >> It was then observed that 100% of the men >> gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly >> emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over >> nothing, had to sit down to pee, and refused to apologize when wrong. >> >> No further testing is planned... Buzz Quote
Mark Stanton Posted February 7, 2002 Posted February 7, 2002 You certainly like to live dangerously Pete - Mrs Westy and Blatgirl won't stand for comments like that ....... will they ?? Happy New Year to all our Chinese viewers - It's the year of the Horse - Won Hung Lo P.S Sorry to raise the subject of our four legged friends Pete - Bromsgrove misses her carrot. Quote
Westfields Rock On Posted February 7, 2002 Posted February 7, 2002 what about the ability to use a clutch ? breakin round corners? hugging the steering wheel? over takin on islands? hmmm Quote
Mrs Westy Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 I will let Buzz's very poor joke pass without comment, but only because I heard it months ago (yaaaaaawwn ). However a new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR: Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilisation of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective) MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her Mrs Westy Quote
Buzz Billsberry Posted February 8, 2002 Author Posted February 8, 2002 ohh dear it looks like we've touched raw nerve with Mrs Westy hence the two comments made by the said person in this thread and the Kylie thread Ah well it never rains but pours or is it poors,paws.I'm shaw,sure Mrs Westy will correct me Peet Peat Pete sod it Buzz Quote
gee_fin Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: "Poor Me Syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only 26. The Toilet : You too can learn to leave the seat up Quote
Mrs Westy Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 ..I'd like to book on courses 12 and 13 please. And just to prove I can take the mick out of myself: The blonde cookbook: MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Patrick. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. TUESDAY: Patrick wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Patrick brought a friend home for supper. WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any. THURSDAY: Today Patrick asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Patrick asking me why I was rolling around in the garden. FRIDAY:I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left. SATURDAY: Patrick did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Patrick keeps counting to ten. SUNDAY: Patrick's family came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment. GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Patrick. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose. Mrs Westy PS I'm not blonde Quote
gee_fin Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 True story, I came home to find Lucy (blonde renting a room in the house) cooking fallafafafafafell. Left her to it. Came back an hour later to find her tipping it all in the bin. She had read "stir in 2/3 pints of water", and since she was only using half the packet decided to put in one and three-quarter pints.....rather than half the two-thirds indicated..... And just to keep the theme ticking on over - TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH * Yes = No * No = Yes * Maybe = No * We need = I want * I'm sorry = You'll be sorry * We need to talk = I need to complain * Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to * Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful * Do what you want = You'll pay for this later * I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! * Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead * You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me * Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs * Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive * It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now * You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? * I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV * How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH * I'm hungry = I'm hungry * I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy * I'm tired = I tired * Nice dress = Nice cleavage! * I love you = Let's have sex now * I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? * What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question * I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now? * May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you * Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you * Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you * Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you * Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men * You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next 10 minutes * Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me * I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay Quote
Mrs Westy Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 Things Men need To Know About Style: 1. Yes, Homer Simpson is funny - but not on your tie. 2. Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a vicar. 3. Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable. Ironing them yourself is evidence of an unsound mind. 4. Cowboy boots - NO!!! 5. Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch. 6. Going bald ? Shave it off for God's sake. 7. Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won Wimbledon. 8. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wild side of your corporate facade. They do, however, mean your mother still dresses you or you wish she did. 9. Socks and sandals - lovely, on Germans. 10. A jester hat does not a wacky man make. Even Noddy Holder of Slade regrets the 70s. 11. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers...... ....as are medallions..... .....and tracksuit tops and bottoms. 12. Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet?? The Habitathelp line is: 0845 601 0740 13. Open shirts: one button open =professional; two buttons = casual; three = over-sharing. 14. Tight sleeveless muscle T-shirts are only ok if you're 17, can do the running man dance at the drop of a hat, and are a member of NSync.OK ? 15. Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = ******. 16. Here's a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn't real. And Angelina is a) an actress and b) married. 17. Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying the Manchester United kit? Please seek professional help. 18. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet and "ice" ring in the window of H. Samuel where it can live a long and happy life doing no-one any harm..... 19. NEVER pull if you put your mobile in the mobile phone pocket of your combats. 20. Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it's not going to do it for you. Got all that lads? Mrs Westy Quote
gee_fin Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present. Again. 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside trap and sequential gearboxes. 8. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. 12. Crying is blackmail. 13. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 14. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 15. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 16. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 17. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 18. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 19. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 20. Check your oil. Please. 21. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 22. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 23. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 24. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 25. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 26. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 27. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 28. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 29. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for example is a fruit not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 30. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 31. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 32. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. ....and back to you..... Quote
ricdiggle Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 Could you two get a room please? Sorry Mr. Westy! P.S. Both parts of the toilet seat should be put down - you are both wrong! - discuss Quote
John Loudon - Sponsorship Liaison Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 Mr Gee Fin, Its pointless being a smooth talker on here. First off shes already married and secondly, I bet she looks nothing like her avatar John Quote
Mrs Westy Posted February 8, 2002 Posted February 8, 2002 ...of course I don't look like my avatar, 'tis but a poor substitute :0 I don't understand your problem with shoes, Mr Fin; of course women need 753,802 pairs. Plus several extra pairs for reaching the pedals when Westy finally lets me loose in Westie Bye Mrs Westy Quote
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